Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Orange County episode we’ve been waiting for. We begin on a beautiful day at the beach with Kelly and her husband Michael who are literally hanging out, making a plaster cast of her boobs on the front balcony for all the world to see. She’s getting a breast reduction, and I guess this is called art? Kelly is also planning a beach volleyball party. This is when the shit will hit the sand. And Meghan’s not invited, so there.
Up next, Lydia is meeting Tamra for a quick iced-tea. Word is out about Vicki’s party and Tamra is barely holding it together. She’s heard how Ricky and Gretchen talked smack about Eddie making out with a man. When will everyone get over the fact that Eddie likes dudes? People are so judgy. But get this, the falling out between Tamra and Ricky was over his non-invite to her baptism. But why not invite him? Was the cut off 75 and he was 76? Tamra says from that point on Ricky set out to destroy her. Something’s not adding up, but we’ll give it some time.
Tamra is crying real tears for once. She says she’s finally in a good place with her daughter (oopsie-not anymore) and doesn’t want her to read about this. As for Eddie, he couldn’t care less, girlfriend. Lydia is confused why Vicki would sit at a table with Tamra’s arch-enemies while they spread gossip. Tamra doesn’t know if she will go to Kelly’s volleyball party. Lydia says she doesn’t like Shannon. Not very Christian of Lydia, but I think the point is, if Lydia can be around someone she doesn’t care for, so can Tamra. Spoiler alert: Lydia can’t do it for long.
Across town, Vicki and her daughter Briana are talking about Ricky as well. He’s so popular. Briana is like, who cares? She tells her mom that if she and Tamra both want the same things they can get there. Or not.
Next, we are with Peggy and Diko as they visit her breast doctor. The theme of the night is certainly boobs. It’s time for Peggy to fill her fluid expanders so she can have big boobies, but this is painful. Peggy wants to feel sexy again, even though she already is.
Over at Shannon’s house, she is on the phone with the man who will run her pizza restaurant, but can’t open her email to view the new logo. And Shannon wants to be in the restaurant business? It’s actually more fascinating watching Archie the dog fetch the ball. I think Shannon hopes that this will make her more interesting to David. Of course, do you know how many new restaurants fail?
It’s “cutting-off-the-balls,” doctor’s visit day with Doug and Lydia. In the waiting room, Doug tells Lydia he loves her like Christ and as if his body is her body. Sorry, Doug, but your attempts to spare your balls won’t work. Doug agrees he doesn’t want more children and will have the surgery, but wants a “clip” present, like the “push” presents he’s had to give three times. How about another sports car? Material items are like totally mentioned all through the bible.
Let’s play volleyball! Vicki is nervous about seeing Tamra and Tamra says she’d rather have an enema. (Rumor has it so would Eddie.) Vicki is not having fun and Steve tells her to enjoy the people she enjoys and don’t worry about the rest. Doug is a total hottie without his shirt on. Of course Eddie isn’t there to compete. (Rumor has it he’s pumping iron.) And Shannon can’t play volleyball worth a damn, but she sure can yell. The game’s over and it’s time to eat. There’s a boob cake inside for everyone to enjoy. (Rumor has it Eddie wouldn’t be into it.)
Elsewhere, Meghan is doing exactly what Kelly advised her to do and that is staying home and taking care of Aspen. Thank God for Kelly and her wonderful advice.
Back at Kelly’s house, where the fun is, Tamra and Peggy strike up a conversation about the “shady shit” that went down at Vicki’s party. Peggy says they should talk it out. Kelly tells Vicki the same thing. But neither Vicki nor Tamra want to talk it out. Lydia is also on board for talking it out, but Shannon is not. She tells Tamra to buck-up. Vicki explains that today is not a good day because of the other people there, but she’s overruled.
Lydia gets Vicki, and tells her Tamra is crying. This kind of starts things off on a bad note, because Vicki has had it. She did not invite Ricky. She didn’t set that up. And Tamra should know her heart. Tamra asks Vicki why she’s so angry. Vicki says she’s tired of being called a victim and tells Tamra not to be a victim either.
From the kitchen you can hear Vicki yelling in the bedroom. Shannon is on her way to rescue Tamra, but Peggy blocks her move. Good one, Peggy. We all know that Shannon has vested interest in Tamra and Vicki not becoming friends again. Who will she have? Her pizza! Shannon says if Kelly gets to be in the room then so does she. Next Lydia and eventually Peggy decide they need to be in the room, too.
Vicki blows and smacks Tamra with the truth, demanding that she cut the crap and leave her alone. Tamra snaps back, but Vicki isn’t playing — threatening to “go ballistic,” if Tamra continues to recycle her exhausted accusations.
Shannon obnoxiously hires herself as Tamra’s high-strung bodyguard, but Vicki smacks her large buttinski butt right back, reiterating that she holds receipts that prove her husband’s abuse. Tamra’s faux tears are overshadowed by Shannon’s hysterical babble — so she leaves the room.
Peggy tells Kelly to quit feeding the frenzy, but then they turn on her. Lydia sneaks out of the room to check on Tamra. Seeing how pointless this whole thing is, Vicki is the first to get in her car and leave. Shannon whispers like a six year-old and Peggy tells her she’s “something else.” Shannon asks if this is in a good way or a bad way. Really? You have to ask, Shannon?
Lydia and Shannon get into it over a boob job. It makes no sense. Lydia says she’s mad, but she has a pleasant Stepford smile on her face while she tells Shannon she’s done with her. Shannon then yells at Tamra to put down the boob cake and get her ass in the kitchen. Lydia says she wants to go home, but can’t because Shannon needs more attention. Turns out, Shannon was squeezing the legs of Tamra and Kelly because of Peggy, but Lydia thought it was about her boob job that she doesn’t like to talk about while men are present. Here’s the thing, no one cares at this point. The only thing we know for sure is Shannon is a big box of crazy!
Tune in next time when Lydia gets left out of dinner and Shannon gets blamed for it.