OMG! Wednesday’s episode of Little Women Couple’s Retreat was a-mazing! At first I was still mourning the loss of drunk Lila, but the shit hits the fan from the word go. We begin with a sunny morning in Puerto Rico, but this is the calm before the storm. The gang meets for breakfast and the mood is good. However, the birds are the omen. They bring the bad mojo as they try to steal the food. Briana and Matt drag themselves to breakfast.
Matt look like crap, and in Briana’s testimonial, she tells us that sometimes Matt likes to drink his breakfast. Matt orders a Bloody Mary and the trouble begins when Briana shushes him. He rambles on about Briana “having ideas” and “talking shit.” Briana apologizes, but it’s gone on so long, the entire gang is now watching. Jazmine tells Matt this isn’t necessary this early in the morning. She’s right. Save that argument for 5:00pm like a civilized douche bag.
But this only ticks Matt off more and he calls Briana crazy, rude, and says he’s done while she continues to apologize. Then my hero, Jordan, who is Amanda’s boyfriend, tells Matt, “Chill out bro. Damn, you’re just talking to her like she’s a piece of shit or something, bro.” And Matt responds, “Do you really want to go there with me?”
YES WE DO! Jordan says he’s done talking, and Matt says that’s all he does. Uh-oh! Don’t talk to her man like that. Amanda joins in and soon, so does everyone else. It’s more beautiful than Caribbean waters. Jordan gets the final word and tells Matt to quit disrespecting his girlfriend. Matt thinks this is a case of mob mentality, blames Briana for it, and says he’ll be waiting at home with their kid, until she gets home, then he’s leaving forever because he doesn’t want to see her ever again. Yay! Loser’s leaving!
The guru’s real name is Hasani. Hasani comes out to the patio and asks everyone how they’re doing, but it’s met with stone cold silence. Tonya speaks up and says the heifer couple is having their differences and making everyone uncomfortable. Everyone, but Matt and Briana, is sticking up for Briana. Hasani tells Briana and Matt they must be receptive to what the others are saying. This guy is too nice. These people need a guru with a military background. Hasani tells the group they will spend the day deep sea diving and then doing tantric yoga. Before dismissing everyone, Hasani asks Briana and Matt to meet with him after the boat ride. Briana says okay and Matt says meh. When the others leave, Matt tells Briana he’s not going on the boat so kiss his ass. You can literally see Matt’s temperature boil. Matt tells Briana to do whatever she wants, he doesn’t care. But did he ever?
Back at the villa, Briana and Matt bail on the boating excursion. Briana wakes up Matt because it’s time to talk with Hasani, but Matt is four sheets to the wind. He tries to tell Briana he didn’t mean to “induce” all that at breakfast and then takes his fingers and pokes Briana’s “boobies” because he’s five years old. There is no way this guy can walk to the guru’s office, Matt can barely hold up his head. And Briana doesn’t really want to talk about it. She tells him it’s okay. But then Matt tells Briana she should have stood up for him more. Please Briana, punch this guy in the throat, maybe that way he can keep his eyes open while he’s blaming you for everything. Matt wants love. Matt wants respect. Matt wants permission to check Jordan for speaking to him that way and defending the honor of his woman. Briana says it’s okay if he uses his words, but not his fists, because again, Matt is five years old. But get this, Briana then blames everyone else for escalating their fight. Can these two take responsibility for anything?
Meanwhile, on the boat everyone is excited after a healthy, bonding bitch-session about Matt and Briana. Time to swim with the fish, even if they can’t swim. The fish are beautiful, the day is beautiful, and afterwards everyone feels like they’ve just climbed Mount Everest. Todd especially is choked up and wants to learn how to swim when he gets back. The gang throws a few last digs at Matt and Briana and head back to land.
Brace yourselves for this next part. The horror movie turns from The Birds to The Blob. During the therapy session, it takes Hasani all of five seconds to pick up on the fact that Matt is trashed. And Matt lies. He tells Hasani he told Briana he needs to learn when to stop talking. (Maybe Lifetime didn’t show this?) Matt also throws in that Briana could have protected him more. (Protect him from himself?) Briana quickly goes into protect mode and tells Hasani they have passion. Hasani asks, Why are you two here? (For a paycheck?) Briana says: trust issues. Matt says: poor choices. Hasani presses and Matt says he wants attention from women, and if Briana won’t give it to him, he’ll get it elsewhere. (Because he’s five years-old?)
So Matt tells the guru about Alaska and this other woman that “kissed him a couple of times.” After hearing this, Hasani is like, Dude, that’s a big deal. Matt starts crying and Briana loves it. She wipes his tears and tells him everything’s okay. Look, if Lila had to leave because of her drinking, then this shmuck should leave too. Hasani tells Briana she is allowing Matt to treat her this way and deep down feels like she deserves it. Plus, the cheating and manipulation will continue. Duh.
Up next we get to talk about someone else. Yay! Jazmine and David discuss having children. Here’s the thing, I can see both of their points of view. He’s worried about the baby being double-dominant and about finances. David tries to say what’s really going on, but bless his heart, he can’t. Let me. It seems this pressure is giving David a limp willy. He is trying to educate himself on the possibilities of having children, but wants Jazmine to back off and quit pouting. That doesn’t help limp willy either.
Time to connect as couples! Let me spare you this entire scene. No one but a twig can do these moves. The goal is to raise their sexual energy up to the sky, raising the lib-I-do (which I thought was pronounced lib-e-do). Anyway, this is like watching a vajayjay tightening. Finally it’s over, but it did seem to be a very bonding experience for the couples that showed up.
The day is coming to act loose, and Amanda and Jordan are ready to get freaky by the fire. These two are so cute together. They talk about Matt and Briana and what the hell is wrong with Briana. The world may never know. The rest of the crew shows up to hang out. As they roast marshmallows, Briana and Matt show up. Why? It’s obvious Matt has continued to drink. He’s already talking smack about ripping Jordan’s ass in half and running him out as he and Briana sit in the lounge chair by the fire.
Being the cool guy that he is, Jordan offers Matt and Briana sticks of marshmallows – and unfortunately doesn’t stick it up Matt’s ass. What’s really disturbing, you can see Matt’s bad behavior is a real turn-on for Briana by the way she smirks. Christy goes over to Briana and asks it they can talk. Briana says no. Matt’s passed out so Christy tells Briana she protects him too much. Matt wakes up and tells Christy to eff off and a few other insults about her botched neck surgery.
Tonya explains to Christy that although you can drag a heifer to the water, you can’t make a heifer drink the water when that heifer is too busy drinking the Kool-Aid. Matt starts up again and Kerwin shuts him down – for a moment. Briana tells Tonya she is at the couples retreat for her and Matt. Oh yeah? Then why ain’t you going to any of the activities? Boom! Do your thang, Tonya. Matt calls everyone “muthafuckas” and it’s go time. Chris gets up and tells him, Don’t you be calling me that word, bro. They are soon in each other’s faces. My money’s on Chris because he’s not a stumbling drunk. Kerwin tries to break it up, but Chris takes off his shirt and circles Matt like he’s Julio Chavez preparing for a beat down. Here we go.
Ugh! Then we see the three worst words in reality television: To Be Continued.