“Teen Mom” kicks off at Farrah’s where we see gal pal Paola stopping by for a preschool looking painting party. After we mercifully say goodbye to Farrah’s revamped, middle aged, glitter soaked mother, we hear that Farrah has a new potential love interest. We rewind Farrah’s past, and I can feel Debra cringing from here at her past less shiny, haggy self being blasted all over America. We are reminded of Farrah’s sex tape hawking, I mean scandal, as Sophia comments that she wants a sister, with Farrah promising to work on it. Farrah is following up on her most recent hack job on her face, as Debra appropriately phones in to score a credit card to follow her hacked up daughter. Farrah is overjoyed that she looks normal-er…which is definitely debatable. Michael arrives up at Farrah’s house, because they are trying to get along as a family.
Debra has big plans to have a face lift and move to Austin to co-habit with Farrah’s credit card. Farrah isn’t up for it, but Michael swears that they both have matured enough to not incite rage. Farrah assures him that she is genuinely thankful for her tanning bed, but her mother would be too large a negative influence in her life and wallet. She seeks advice from her friendly neighbor, sharing her suspicions that her mom is a big shiny mooch. The neighbor is kind, and prays with her, but looks uneasy. Farrah Facetimes her new love Simon, and commiserates about her freeloading mother wheedling back into her life. Debra joins Farrah in her closet, and tells her that she wants to move to Austin to be close to her family and the MTV cameras. Farrah responds by calling her old, which sends Debra bolting to weep to sympathetic MTV producers.
Things kick off with a bang with Maci, who hears the devastating news of Farrah’s return, turns a deeper shade of orange, and threatens to quit. A six-year-old and a porn star just don’t mix, and being linked to Farrah drags her inspiring message of navigating young unmarried motherhood backwards. Maci is super peeved, and tells the production team to beat it. Ryan and his parents discuss Farrah’s return with a producer, who points out that Amber is a recovered convicted felon, and Farrah deserves a chance to get out of an unspecified, general hot mess of a condition. Larry sagely comments that they are all pretty much losers.
We jump over to Ryan hanging out with his friends, and we learn that his girlfriend Shelby is history. The tired notion of Ryan and Maci reconciling is brought up, which brings a tired eyeroll from Ryan. Ryan agrees that this “MTV filming show” is the worst, because that nasty Farrah has been welcomed back. Maci is not shown the rest of the episode, and we never see that cutie pie, Bentley.
Catelynn and Tyler hear the news, and despite Farrah’s issues, they are on board. Amber, Tyler and Catelynn chat on the phone, and they all rah rah Farrah back through the back door of MTV. The Back Door Cheerleaders learn of Maci’s position, and Catelynn snarks that Maci is a big orangey diva. Catelynn and Tyler head to the doctor, 20 pounds heavier, and back at home we learn that Catelynn has gestational diabetes. This teen mom is ready to blow, and coochie cramps are taking their toll.
Catelynn is bummed about her diabetes, but is excited for her baby shower. The party looks fun, and Catelynn eats all of her favorite forbidden foods, throwing caution and a few more pounds to the wind. Her sugar reads high, triggering Catelynn to dig in and get disciplined, because she is worried about the baby. The couple packs a bag and awaits Nova’s arrival, proclaiming that they are excellent parents. Labor kicks in, and Nova enters the world. We watch the happy couple bring their adorable bundle home to her garish pink room, and it’s a sweet moment.
We meet up with Amber as a producer butters her up and drops the F-bomb. Amber is all for it, because a porn star can offer a lot to the teen mom audience. Back at home, Amber spills the tea that she has a new squeeze, who has been her best old man friend, whom she now loves. Amber complains about being scared, and Amber’s production sidekick Heather wisely helps out by telling her that she’s pretty.
We meet Matt, whom Amber met on Twitter. He is an ex-addict, who moved from Boston to join with her in a joint mission to unravel the mystery as to why Jenelle Evans has so many darn followers. Matt is 19-years older, and seemingly not the brightest, but does sit up straighter than Gary, which I appreciate. Amber and Matt are taking a romantic drive in the country, as we hop over to the always reclining Gary, playing with Leah. Amber lets Gary know about Farrah, and Gary gives her a brief parenting lecture which involves never, ever using a Payless bag. Gary sends a nasty follow-up text, and Matt expresses dramatic indignation at Gary’s trademark insult.
Matt meets up with Gary, and tells him that calling Amber a bitch was out of line. Gary assures him that he does it all the time, and the mature convo wraps with a beautiful new understanding of fake friendship. Amber hears the update, and looks incredulous and disgusted. Matt and Amber pick up Leah, and spend some family time together before Matt drops the bomb that he has abandoned his old life, and is officially squatting at Amber’s house. Amber smiles nervously while Heather gazes up expressionless from the floor, always the supportive backbone of MTV.
In the follow-up show we learn that Farrah is striving, Maci is still angry and hurt by how MTV handled breaking their no Farrah clause, Matt is intriguing in an elderly and kind of amazing way, and the Farrah/Maci drama kicks into high gear next week. See you then!