It’s the last week of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and Part 3 of the reunion kicks off in a predictably tacky fashion, by rewinding the mouthiest smutty moments of the season. What can I say about this annoying segment, other than I completely agree with the viewer who blasts Queen Lisa for having a trashy mouth excused by a cleansing British accent. Queen Lisa fires back by asserting that her vocabulary is adorable, and was taught to her as an infant. Lisa Rinna is crowned the season 5, F-bomb queen, and humbly accepts the passed down, and hopefully disinfected, crown from last season’s runaway winner, that trashy mom, Brandi Glanville. Lisa shares that her husband Harry lectures her about her dirty mouth, and is generally horrified to be her husband, unless she is hauling in seven figures hustling absorbent underwear. We are brought up to date on Brandi’s college student fling, and the convo gets nauseating when she and Andy bond over their mutual affection for men half their age. Jake, the flexing moving guy, gets a shout out for jumping on a panting and lonely customer, who just happens to own an overused stripper pole.
Andy musters up his best bewildered concerned face, as he approaches the obviously planned subject of some text messages Lisa R sent to Kim, after the finale taping. “Oh YES we have, actually,” Kim coolly recollects, when Andy casually asks if she and Lisa have spoken post finale, as she whips up and reads the texts. Lisa admits to threatening Kim to tell the truth and be nice to Kyle, or she would call her a junkie loser on camera again. Kim claims petrified fear of Lisa’s dastardly motives, and Lisa explains that because she was told to shut up as a child, she felt sad and was triggered to mouth off.
Lisa gets emotional, and Kim coldly laughs like someone who is definitely NOT afraid, while calling everyone out for assuming that she is the nutcase of the bunch. Andy points out that she is acting like a heartless bitch, while Eileen sticks up for and comforts Lisa. Kim believes that Lisa’s tears are fake, and Brandi agrees, and proudly concludes that they are all equally f**ked up. Brandi whispers the magic words, “she’s crazy”…which causes Kim to strangely snap out of shrew mode, in an abrupt 180. She rises, bravely shaking off her terror, to accept Lisa’s tearful apology, relieved that she’s proven that there’s another loon on the cast. Brandi jealously glares at the attention hogging spectacle, from her now abandoned side of the couch.
Andy dives into the ‘space cake’ incident, and they all giggle at the problematic position of indulging in recreational desserts while their teens are watching. Eileen admits to caving to peer pressure, and Brandi explains that she chose to not indulge, because being high on something other than tons of booze on TV makes her look like a bad mother. Andy baits her to spill about Kyle being a covert pot smoker, and she happily obliges. Kyle claims that Brandi was just on the warpath because she believed that she was insulting her trashy mothering behind her back. Brandi believes that it’s hypocritical to question a decades long struggle with addiction when you have smoked pot before. Kyle explains that pot is no biggie, just not her thing due to her tendency towards paranoid choking. Brandi bleats “hypocrite” about fifteen times, and Kim chimes in that she virtually never struggles with sobriety. Lisa R tries to speak, and Kim tries to shut her up, but she manages to spit out that concern is natural when you show up at someone’s house higher than a kite…. hence the struggle with sobriety.
Brandi and Kim’s enabling love affair is rewound, and several disturbing scenes replay, summarizing the sick dynamic between the pair. Kyle admits that Brandi has influenced a change between she and her sister, and Queen Lisa nails it when she accuses Brandi of striving to exacerbate a sisterly divide. Brandi claims insider info that explains why the relationship is broken, and denies that she wants the strife to continue. Kim feels differently about Kyle for reasons that she doesn’t want to talk about, always playing the nasty, vague accuser.
So much for not talking, because the Halloween hand chomp is addressed next, with Kyle revealing what we all know by now… that her daughter was bitten by Kim’s dog, Kingsley. Alexia required hospitalization and surgery, but Kim dismisses it like it was a scratch. Kim is furious that Kyle captured the family trauma on Instagram, vindictively blasting out her sweet pooch’s dirty laundry for all of the other doggie accounts to see. Kim believes that it was all about the followers, but Kyle defends herself by stating that she kept her fans guessing about the injury, insisting that naked Giggy could have been the culprit for all that her dumb followers knew. Kyle is declared HORRIBLE, and Kyle snaps back that her daughter was left practically handless by the incident. Things go off the rails after that, with a mesmerizing split screen closeup, peppered with ‘YOU’RE MEAN!”s and threats to expose their darkest, filthiest laundry to America. Lisa R has a brief flashback of that epic nightmare car ride when Kim veers into her “scary voice.”
Kyle explains that Alexia suffered a bone infection from the deep bite, and Kim voices the unspeakable, when she exposes Kyle for not giving an 18-year-old the proper follow up antibiotics. Kim expresses that the experience has been very painful for her children, because Monty is sick, and the dog has been acting naughty, which certainly trumps a three week long IV. Kim demands that her kids and her dog are off limits for discussion even though she’s on a reality show, because Kingsley is like a special vicious child to her. Kim claims that her best boy is off at the trainer’s, but when Andy pushes it, she shuts him down, probably because Kingsley is lounging by her pool as they speak. Kim rambles out a few more vague threats, and then compares Kyle to Kathy, the queen bitch of the Richards trio. The sisters lovingly agree that they just don’t like each other.
Andy brings up the instance when Lisa R pegged the way Kim relates to Kyle as abusive, and Eileen jumps in and agrees with the assessment. Andy clarifies that Kyle was indeed telling the truth to Kim about the conversation between Brandi and Lisa, and Kim admits that since Kyle had good intentions, they should just call the whole season a big blurry misunderstanding. On second thought,Kim decides that their issues are insurmountable, and their sisterhood is doomed. Queen Lisa thinks that they have to fix things any way they can, because life is moving quickly, and special events should be shared by family. Andy surmises that their issues are the stolen house, the doggie child, and Brandi in that order. Brandi objects to her third place standing, and resigns her position. Neither Kyle or Kim knows what to do about the sheer nightmare that describes their relationship.
We wrap the reunion, with Brandi reminding us that she does like families, and Eileen expressing horror at her rookie experience. Lisa R is glad that she did ‘Housewives,” Queen Lisa swears that pussy is a fine British word, and Kyle is just sad, and avoiding Kim’s stink eye, being thrown from across the set. As we wave goodbye to Beverly Hills, I am sad, but am looking forward to spinning the OC crazy! Thank you all for your steadfast encouragement…and I will see you there!