Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: “Look Out Sydney!” [Episode 6]

Posted on Apr 9 2015 - 8:37pm by Carole B.

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The Sydney vs. Hawthorne soccer match is the setting for our first scene this week. Outside the stadium, Lydia phones Jackie to investigate of an imagined slight from Gamble and Gina at the latest dinner party. Jackie implies that they were smirking and ridiculing Lydia while she was sharing her tragic story of losing her newborn son. C’mon! I refuse to believe that – even amongst this spangly nest of vipers – no one would roll their eyes a child’s death. But psycho…ahem, psychic Jackie eggs Lydia on. “I really want to get to the bottom of it,” Lydia declares. Moments later she’s air kissing the gals, who ask her if she is rooting for Sydney – a reasonable assumption since she’s wearing their colors: white and red. Poor, simple, confused Lyds missed the memo – “No! That’s just my fashion!”

Gamble calls Lydia “S&M Barbie” and Lydia – who normally never misses a chance to serve the pervy talk – claims not to know what it means. “Is it ‘sexy mama’ or what?” Puhlease! Drop the innocent act. I’m pretty sure 50 Shades of Grey penetrated the Planet Toorak demographic. Janet jumps at the chance to throw Chyka under the bus, “We should call Chyka slither Barbie, because how she got out of the trouble with Gamble!”

Gamble invites the ladies to Sydney for a girls getaway to her hometown. Gamble and P-fleur attempt to call each other out about their careers. Gamble works as a consultant for an art gallery while Petts develops properties – but they are both suspiciously short on details. Lydia confronts Gamble about smirking during her speech at Chyka’s dinner party. She gives the perfectly plausible explanation that she only giggled at her husband during the beginning of Lydia’s story about the wedding in Florence, since he hates weddings, but that of course she did not laugh at Lydia’s child’s death. “I have a heart as big as Texas, I would never do that!” She also apologizes profusely and blames the booze for any inappropriate behavior. Still, Lydia only half accepts. I have a feeling she will be circling back to pick at this scab in the future. Janet takes Pettifleur aside to recruit her as an ally in advance of the trip to Sydney – she must be desperate indeed. “I like to call Gamble meshugana Barbie,” she snickers. Gooooooooaaal!

As Gamble packs for the Sydney trip, Jackie joins Chyka for lunch in her beautiful garden. First order on the agenda – planning Gamble’s hens night. Gamble has told Chyka she doesn’t want strippers for her bachelorette party – she wants to keep it classy. “Instead of shaking his ding dong in front of someone, he can shake his butt! That’s classy,” Jackie jokes. I’m sure Phaedra would be happy to recommend the infamous Ri-DICK-ulous, from Kandi’s birthday party. Now that was talent! Quick! Somebody get Phaedra on the line. This could be the infamous Ridiculous’s big international break!!

Chyka dishes about her own hens night – some young bucks from the outback auctioned her off, so she stripped down to her bra and undies. Woo hoo! Who would have guessed that mild mannered, self-proclaimed “Switzerland” actually had a wild side?

Our fearsome foursome, Gina, Gamble, Pettifleur and Janet, pop off their Sydney trip with a bottle of champs in their hotel room. These golden girls seem to have all gotten the metallic mini dress memo. Gamble fills everyone in about the artist Charles Billich, an old family friend, whose gallery party they are about to attend tonight. Not to be left out, Pettifleur pedantically points out that she knows something. “Charles is actually amazing. He’s got some paintings at the White House, the United Nations headquarters, and the Vatican,” she recites. Gina asks if she Googled the info. Pettifleur sees this question as massive insult that must be rebuffed. “I know how to do my research! Not Google, don’t worry!” she responds with righteous indignation. Is something wrong with Google? Maybe Petts is the last subscriber on earth to the annual volumes of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Gamble informs the ladies that they will meet her sister, Tempest, at the gallery. “You’re gonna see her pre-op,” she warns, and for a split second I thought she might be referring to gender reassignment surgery. But I was mistaken – the stakes are much higher. Tempest is about to undergo a slew of cosmetic procedures, including jowl and chin reconstruction and botox – presumably in a bid to resemble her surgically-enhanced sibling. “She’s gonna be in Heaven!!!” Janet, clearly a fan of the scalpel, beams.

The gals, along with Gamble’s friend Lisa, pour themselves into a limo heading for the gallery. “I hope I don’t flash too much nipple,” Gamble cheerily quips. At Billich gallery, an eclectic cast of characters – many of them with faces stretched tighter than a pair of spanx over a muffin top – are on display. As Gina notes, Billich himself looks like the down under version of Elton John. Pampered pets being toted around by the one-percenters is nothing new – but one of these art lovers trumps them all. She has brought her big fluffy white cat out on the town. Yes, her CAT! Pettifleur is pretty shocked and for once I am with her on this one. The ladies coo over the giant, yawning fluff ball, pretending all of this is normal. Sensing an opening, Billich’s wife, Christa, introduces herself and regales them with tales of her tiny dog eating off her plate in Michelin starred restaurants from LA to Monaco. At least I think that’s what she said. Her frozen face and inflated lips left little maneuver room for enunciation.

We finally get a glimpse at the artwork, which is lovely, including a giant portrait that appears to depict how Christa looked several procedures ago. Beautiful. There’s also a painting of Gamble in the buff. Perhaps this is the root of all the rumor madness??? Gina makes friends with fellow barrister, Sydney socialite Judy Swan, while Janet chats amiably with fellow gay divorcees, “Every now and then I hook up with a 35 year old to party,” she giggles. Pettifleur tries to strike up a friendly fashion feud between Melbourne and Sydney, “How do I look?” she asks. Meanwhile she tells Gamble’s friend to zip her lip. All of this is the giddy calm before the storm…

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Tempest approaches, and after a few perfunctory pleasantries about eye lifts, she rains right on Janet’s parade. “Now listen, I’ve been wanting to meet you,” she wags her finger in Janet’s face.“I’ve known this young woman her entire life,” she says, referring to her younger sister, “And I don’t think you have any idea how much you upset her when you make up bullsh*t about her,” she scolds. Janet is caught off guard and tries to shrug it off with a smile. Not to be placated, Tempest swirls into monsoon mode: “It’s indefensible, it’s so not fair. Don’t you DARE do that to her! She’s the most honorable, beautiful, lovely, intelligent person I have ever had the privilege to know, and you doing that sh*t to her hurts me, hurts her. I know you made it up! So get some f*cking  evidence, get some evidence!” Janet tries, for the umpteenth to explain that she didn’t make anything up, that she was only trying to warn Gamble that the rumors were out there. “I thought we were over this! I can’t be attacked every time I see you, by you or your family, over a story that’s been made up. I don’t want to do it, I’m going!” she protests as she sensibly saunters off the scene. Pettifleur, redeeming herself in a peacemaker moment, corroborates Janet’s story that she was only the messenger. Tempest instantly simmers down.“I probably need to apologize to her, then.”

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Meanwhile, Gamble is in hot pursuit of her prey, Janet, with Gina nipping at her heels like a croc after a wallaby. “Janet doesn’t get far in those stilettos. As she takes a breath in front of a local pub, Gamble catches up and begs her to come back inside, literally twisting her arm in the process – it’s a glittery Greco-Roman housewife tussle. “Really feral moment, not cool,” Gamble laments in her talking head. Pub patrons are lapping up the drama along with their pints. They probably came in to watch rugby and lucked out with the socialite show – fight club edition. Unswayed, Janet catches a cab home.

Back at the art reception, Pettifleur is still lecturing Tempest. I’m sure she will forward her a manuscript of her upcoming ‘Switch the Bitch’ book, once her eyebrow stylists finishes writing it.“You’re getting a bit boring,” Tempest protests, wishing there were a teapot she could climb into (sorry, couldn’t resist). “Apparently I have an IQ of a gnat. I’ve heard you, I’ve heard you!” she says as she tries to stop the feedback loop. “I’m not boring! Don’t call me boring!” Is Pettifleur’s outraged reply.

Back in Melbourne, Lydia, Chyka and Jackie get together for the “real ladies game” of croquet with a side dish of gossip about the Gamble and Janet melee. On day two of the Sydney sideshow, the ladies head out for a a cruise around the harbor. The views are so gorgeous that I find myself wondering how much a ticket would be from San Francisco. Pettifleur has donned a jaunty captain’s hat for the occasion. In the face of all this beauty, Gamble wishes she could bury the hatchet with her frenemy. Janet, who is no doubt licking her wounds, is conspicuously absent from this nautical adventure. Christa, the artist’s wife, is onboard with some words of wisdom. “A rumor is a rumor and nothing else. What’s a rumor? A cloud in the sky!”

Janet reemerges to join the others for a post-cruise dinner and tries to clear the air with Gamble in private, but Gina attempts to assert her lawyerly influence. Janet tells her to butt out and even suggests that she skedaddle. “I’m not doing a big ‘storm off like a skank down the street’ thing!’” Gina declares. In a moment of clarity, the ladies all make a pledge to never discuss the tired old Gamble gossip drama again. Fingers crossed!

 

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About the Author

Carole B. is a San Francisco based writer whose passions include theater, dance, literature, travel and multi-cultural cuisine and deliciously trashy Reality TV. Keep up with Carole: Twitter * Website

  • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

    Thanks for the recap Carole B! I really don’t like Janet but there is something very fishy about Gamble. For a start I seem to recall her claiming she was in her early 40s? Am I wrong because she looks like someone in her 60s who had a LOT of work done. Her voice seems really put on, like she thinks it’s cutesy. I actually think Janet would be more of a match for Dr Woofie than Gamble.

    • Jennymckitty

      I think there is something fishy with both Gamble & Petty. Their background and work history are questionable. How can Petty sell high end real estate and no one has ever heard of her?

    • twifan2

      She has had a lot of work done! She’s had about $90,000 done so far. :/
      But you can’t fix addle-minded. 🙂
      Janet should have gone on ‘E-Harmony’ like Gamble did, but Janet likes them young. 😉

  • Jennymckitty

    Thanks, Carole. I hope Janet feels bad after watching this episode when she sees the Gina actually defended her and told all that Janet didn’t make these stories up. I also pray this is the end of rumor-gate. I doubt it is but a girl can hope.
    Petty is the most joyless human to walk the face of the earth. The only time she smiles is when she is making others miserable. Drinking game alert…drink every time Petty says she’s an expert at….she knows it all. And she is boring. The reason people interrupt her is because no one wants to hear her. The outfit she wore on the yacht….ridiculous. Yet she is a fashion expert. I can’t stand her. Janet wouldn’t want to be around her for 5 minutes if she didn’t want an ally.

    • twifan2

      Next epi use Jackie’s new word for the drinking game alert. Better be ready too! 😀
      Petti is on my Crap List! She’s vile! Gamble-is she for real?
      You’re right about Janet needing an ally, BUT DANG get someone else!

  • twifan2

    Great recap Carole B.! 🙂
    Maybe that’s why Lydia has been in the background so far this season, her son’s brushes with the law! I want to see what happens with those charges, but they’ve been moved to May 8th & combined for that date. 🙁
    I was surprised Jackie didn’t say something to Gina when she rebutted Janet with her ‘skank down the street’ remark! Like what could she say! BOOM! 🙂

    • Jennymckitty

      What charges? I missed something

      • twifan2

        OH YES!
        Lorenzo Schiavello, 20-appeared in court today, accused of stalking and
        posting nude photos of a woman on social media without permission,
        including one of her bottom in a G-string.
        He was in court today and charged with one count of stalking as well as two counts of distributing intimate images and breaching a court order. PLUS, his lawyer asked for the
        stalking and other charges to be adjourned to May 8 for a plea, with
        alleged driving offenses also to be mentioned on that day.

      • twifan2

        I wonder if Lydia asked Gina for legal advice, help?

        • Jennymckitty

          I don’t know. If she were smart, she would have booked Gina for a consult. That way, even if she wasn’t representing her son, Gina couldn’t discuss it without breaking attorney/client privilege. Do you think that is why she is absent so much? Is this the son that got married?

          • twifan2

            Nope. He’s single.
            I get the feeling Lydia didn’t want Gina to know her family’s secrets.

          • twifan2

            Gina’s book-Fearless: My Life, My Way-(in paperback)
            will be out here, July 2, 2015. Looks interesting.

  • T’s Martini Lounge

    Petty continues to show us how dopey she is, and I love it. The whole Gamble rumor thing is getting boring. Let’s all move on! This season needs more Gina.

    • Jennymckitty

      Do you like Petty, T?

      • twifan2

        Let’s beat her up, Jennymckitty! 😉

      • T’s Martini Lounge

        Not now. In the beginning I thought she was fun in this over the top crazy way, but then I saw how she treated sales people. Demanding that tie from the suit sales guy put me over the edge with her.

        • Jennymckitty

          That really got to me too. I can imagine belittling people like that. Treat everyone the way that you would want yourself or your children treated.

    • twifan2

      Petti says something next time that is just ratchet-imo. >(
      She’s on my Crap List!

  • T’s Martini Lounge

    I never went to meet a housewife, but if she’s in NYC, I may go meet her.

    • twifan2

      I think she’s going on a book tour-promoting her book.
      I might have to call in sick that day. 😉

      Petti has crossed the line with me last nite! NOW she’s on my Sh*t List! >(