Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: “Chef’s Dinner” [Episode 5]

Posted on Apr 3 2015 - 6:12am by Carole B.

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What’s that scent in the air? Those of you who have been missing the acrid aroma of Pettifleur are in for a real treat! We begin this episode with her shopping with her son, Nathan. He is in the market for a sharp suit. “He has a great body, doesn’t he?” she winks at the suit salesman. Special order for a first rate Oedipus syndrome inseam, anyone? Nathan, her first born, has excellent taste, according to P-Fleur, since he got it straight from mummy. She makes the suit salesman even more squeamish by describing her son’s anatomy in ever more lurid detail. “I tell him, you’ve got the cutest little bum, why not show it off!” she purrs as she paws at his posterior. In a flash of entitled inspiration, she divines that the couture cherry on her son’s sartorial sundae would be the shop assistant’s tie. Despite being surrounded a cornucopia of spanking new ties for sale, Petts wants to pluck the very tie from around the sales assistant’s neck.“It was a no-brainer — you’re here to serve me, I can have your tie.” Yep, “no brains” sounds about right. I’m sensing a pattern of retail worker abuse – Flash back to the costume store, where she mercilessly pecked at the poor shop girl as she selected her street-walker-inspired murder mystery dinner ensemble.

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Next, Gina strolls onto our screens. She’s bringing Gamble as her plus one to a Fashion Aid event where she’ll be auctioning off one of her trademark glitter-doused cocktail frocks. “I love being Gina’s date…it’s the lesbian in me. I adore Gina!” Gamble gushes, but she goes on to wonder how her new Aussie idol feels about her. “Gamble is a great support, but I think she’s a bit of a fan,” Queen Gina magnanimously proclaims. Gina strides onstage to auction off her dress for the greater good, and graces the crowd with this humble reflection: “I have been described as looking fierce in that dress, so I hope whoever acquires it will have the opportunity to look fierce as well!” Despite Gamble’s repeated efforts at raising her paddle, a dentist and his dapper partner win the $4,000 bid. Gina wryly wonders, “I’m not sure what they’re going to do with the dress. I could perish a few thoughts.” Gamble bends Gina ear yet again about the Janet-instigated rumor mill and they bond over their disdain for Chyka’s fence sitting.

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Elsewhere in Melbourne, it’s cougar night!!! Janet is game for a rapid-fire round of speed dating. Jackie is en tow as moral support. Perhaps her psychic chops will come in handy with the culling of the herd process. This safari park happens to be stocked with some cubs, and Janet wastes no time sharpening her claws. “A younger man appeals to me because: why would I want to spend my time pushing around someone in a wheelchair?” Does Janet’s sound rationale. Jackie gets Janet riled up by reminding her that she’s a “motherf**king whipping horse – you’ve got to whip it up!” Sitting down with first victim…ahem, suitor, Janet inquires, “If aliens came down to earth and asked you to go back to their planet, would you go with them?” “Definitely,” geek chic Bachelor numero uno responds. Judging by the look on his face, he’d love to be beamed up right now. Bachelor #2, sporting barely there chin scruff, wastes no time in letting Janet know that he aspires to be a “kept man.”

He proudly proclaims that he is a “Life, sex and relationship coach.” Jackie’s assessment is that he is “full of sh*t,” and only here to “shine it on and shine it off!” But perhaps he isn’t truly in the market for a quickie. He claims that he teaches his female clients have “15-minute orgasms.” That’s enough to get Janet’s nostrils twitching. But she dismisses his money grubbing approach. Why buy the bull, when you can milk yourself for free? Janet asks Bachelor #3 what makes him cry. This tall, dark and handsome bloke replies that he has a soft spot for cases of animal abuse. Janet concurs, “Yes! That’s what it’s all about! Cruelty to animals!” A few micro-dates later, Janet confers with Jackie about her potential matches. Normally men fall into two categories, “nurse or purse.” Since Janet is searching for the May to her December, she may want to loosen those purse strings of hers.

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The following day, Jackie, Chyka and Pettifleur get together for a lunch date. Jackie spills the tea to Pettifleur – milking the stripper/hooker/sex party Gamble gossip. Guess Petts is the last to know? “OK, that’s very interesting,” she says, “but what has Gamble been saying about me?” After an awkward lull, Chyka finally responds, “I don’t think she’s said anything about you.”

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In the next scene, Jackie and Ben meet with a model agency in a quest to find the face of La Mascara. Thought Jackie was shine shine shining in that role! Jackie gets sidetracked from the task at hand and spontaneously offers up psychic readings based on the ‘vibe’ she senses from the headshots of the models. “I can feel their sadness, their passion, I can feel what they’re going through,” she intones. “She’s got to stop bitching!” she admonishes one of the pics. “That one plays guitar!” she declares, “I’m gonna ask her when I her.” As she glances at a portrait of a particularly prepubescent specimen, Jackie makes an unlikely assessment, “She’s got five children!”

As promised, Chyka and her husband Bruce are hosting a shindig for the housewives and their partners. Gina brings a bit of eye candy since her mystery man is in the States. Reminds me of the old – ‘I have a girlfriend but she lives in Canada, so you can never meet her,’ routine. The hosts with the most have pulled out all the molecular gastronomy stops – including test tubes full of something that looks like split pea soup.Yum? Lydia regales the table with tales of her son’s lavish wedding in Florence. With tears welling up, she exclaims how happy she is to see him all grown up, since she had her doubts that, “deep down, you never truly believe you’re a great mother, you know?” “I do!” Gina firmly declares. “I believe I’m a great mother.” Score one for empathy.

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In another tender moment, Lydia shares that at the age of 21, she lost her newborn baby. “What are you laughing for?” Jackie attacks an undeserving Gamble at the table. To her credit, Gamble doesn’t take the bait. Everyone seems sympathetic – even Gamble, who offers several heartfelt words of support during her interview. The calm before the passive aggressive storm is all too brief – Gamble starts feeling the effects of the wine pairings. She calls Lydia “S&M barbie,” dubs Pettifleur “nouveau riche Barbie,” (which is pretty rich coming from such a natural beauty with fried follicles) and casts jealous barbs in Janet’s direction. Not content with adding a primo course of cringe to the menu, she tipsily saunters over to Janet to pulverize a dead horse. “You called me a stripper and a prostitute! None of those things are true!” Even Wolfie tells her to take a chill pill.

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Sensing she is without allies, Gamble demands that her fiancé take her home. Chyka and her hubby graciously encourage her to stay. Grateful for the kindness, Gamble drawls in response, “Maybe I’m just a bit tired and drunk…I think you and Bruce are absolutely bee-yu-tiful.” Hope she gulped down a giant glass of water before bed!

The next day, Janet and Pettifleur meet for a cup of coffee and a scoop of Gamble-grumbling followed by some sweet Gina-bashing for dessert. “Gamble has no filters!” Pettifleur says. Janet, in her infinite hipness, quotes Kanye West to describe Gamble, “I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t hanging with no broke dudes either.”

We end this installment on a fluffy note, with Chyka and Gamble meeting for a doggie date. The humping is adorable – and the dogs are pretty cute too. No jokes about switching the bitches, please!!!

Previews of next week hint at more histrionics – with a few of the ladies getting more physical than a hit Kylie Minogue song. Will Gamble ever get over it? Will Janet find a man or settle for a pool boy? Will this group of women get along? Your thoughts?

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About the Author

Carole B. is a San Francisco based writer whose passions include theater, dance, literature, travel and multi-cultural cuisine and deliciously trashy Reality TV.

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  • TartLemon

    I like Chyka, Jackie, Lydia. Janet is entertining but a little hard to take sometimes. Gina is one of those people hard to be friends with because of having to be constantly on guard. Gamble is too whiny. Pettifleur needs to dial back quite a few notches on the ‘bitch’.

    • Jennymckitty

      Did you watch last year? I think Gina is very guarded this year. But who could blame her? I think she was more fun last year.

  • Jennymckitty

    Petty wonders why Gamble calls her nouveau riche Barbie? No one that has had money for more than 20 seconds would treat sales clerks the way she does. That certainly doesn’t scream old money. Oh Andrea…how could I have thought you were the worst Oz had to offer.

    Stripper-gate is getting to be annoying. I suppose Jackie can bring it up whenever she like but Gina can’t say a word. They all need to drop it. Petty should stay out of it. She supposedly sells high end real estate and no one in Melbourne has heard of her? I think she may have a few secrets that she doesn’t want out there.

    • twifan2

      It’s going to be even more annoying next epi, BUT Gine lets Janet have it!
      It’s marvelous to watch! 🙂

      • Jennymckitty

        Janet deserves it. She turned on Gina last season, after 20 years of friendship, and never gave a reason. She never apologized….not even I’m sorry if….I’m sorry, but…never offered an explanation. How these people could say she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. She loves causing drama. I can’t wait for Gina to take her down.

        • twifan2

          You’ll love it when you see it, Jennymckitty! 🙂
          I was ‘OMG! Gina went there!’ BUT what I couldn’t believe was what Gina said afterwards to Janet. WTH? You’ll see. 🙂

          • Jennymckitty

            I can’t wait!!

          • twifan2

            It’ll be up on that link I gave you by Monday-I hope. 🙂

          • pixntrix

            I used that link to see this recent episode….thank you do very much for sharing it I couldn’t wait for it to be on here

          • twifan2

            YW! 🙂
            Hate that Bravo has the show at least 2 episodes behind. 🙁
            I get antsy waiting! 😀

          • pixntrix

            I can’t wait…go Gina

        • pixntrix

          Me too I’m making my popcorn now and want a front row seat…lol

          • twifan2

            I’m waiting for Sunday’s epi! Gina & Fleur get into it then! 😮
            Bring popcorn with extra butter! 🙂

        • twifan2

          I really, really hope Gina doesn’t leave RHM. 🙁
          BUT just think if she were on on RHBH? OR even OC! OMG
          Which would you think she’d be better on?

          • Jennymckitty

            I think BH. You know that Lisa and Gina have spoken to each other. I believe Lisa reached out to her when she was ganged up on last season and offered support. I think Gina would be more comfortable in BH. I don’t see her in OC.

          • twifan2

            There really aren’t ‘professional’ women on the OC.
            LOVE to see Gina go up against Brandi! 🙂
            Brandi wouldn’t know what hit her! 😀
            & Kim! She’d be crying into her sobriety!

          • Jennymckitty

            Do you think she would go after BG or just stare at her while applying makeup until BG shuts up.

          • twifan2

            Apply make up first, then go after her. 🙂

          • twifan2

            I wonder if Lisa wants Gina to handle her Bravo contract?
            Gina worked the RHM’s contracts. Gina had them throw out the ‘physical altercation’ clause in them.

            :/

          • Jennymckitty

            Really? Do you think there is a physical altercation clause in the US contracts? Does it mandate at least one per franchise?

          • twifan2

            Yep there is -in the Bravo ones.
            Remember, they can’t sue each other or the production company.
            This is what was printed last year about it:
            http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/the-real-housewives-of-melbourne-set-their-own-rules-about-catfights-20140219-3302w.html

          • Great article! The interview was interesting as well – a little insight…a peek behind the curtain.

          • twifan2

            Wish we could compare Bravo & Arena contracts side-by-side! 🙂

          • twifan2

            You should do a story on that. 🙂

          • pixntrix

            I agree BH for sure but I think her and LVP would but heads…two queen bees. But I would love to watch that!

          • Gina is far to educated to hang with those OC airheads.

          • Jennymckitty

            She isn’t a “living in the suburbs” kinda gal. The only shows in the US I could see her on are BH or NY.

          • Babson_Chick

            Didn’t her partner move to the states?? She is needed in BH and they should drop Brandi then – too much trash in the OC.

  • T’s Martini Lounge

    I really wanted to like Petty, but what is with her and retail sales people? Give me your tie? So unacceptable. I think I hate her now.

    Janet humiliated herself at the speed dating and I was uncomfortable for her watching it. She’s just too long in the tooth for these guys. Who knew Jon Gosselin moved to Australia?

    Chyka and shine shine shine girl Jackie should of gotten the door after season 1. Boring and predictable.

    • Jon Gosselin?? Ha!

    • twifan2

      Jackie has gotten on my nerves this season with her ‘I’m a psychic’ bit. More like ‘I’m a psycho!’.
      I like Chyka. She seems to be more motherly than the rest-imo. BUT coming up, she kind of rubbed me the wrong way when she’s with Lydia. :/

    • Jennymckitty

      Petty seems to associate money with power. She enjoys making people fetch and cater to her. She wants to push these sales clerks to their limit and almost humiliates them. I find her behavior despicable.

  • twifan2

    I just can’t with Petti anymore! >(
    & Janet will do anything for camera time! UGH!
    Has Jackie even gotten a ‘real’ prediction? :/

    • pixntrix

      Lol I think should predict that her husband should wash that greasy hair

      • twifan2

        What is up with that hair?! 😀
        & he reminds me of Cheech Moran! :’D

    • Jennymckitty

      She knew Gina’s golf swing was going to be dangerous. Of course, most of us knew that.

      • twifan2

        😀 DuH HuH!
        Why didn’t she ‘predict’ Gamble’s golfing abilities? I, for one, was surprised at them! 😮

        • Jennymckitty

          I think Gamble has played in the past but kept it quiet. It was funny when her first swing was better than Janet’s…the expert.

    • If I never hear “shine shine shine” again, it’ll be too soon!

  • pixntrix

    Janet, Jackie and Petty have grated on my last nerve. Tbey are the new Andreas this season. I love Gina and can understand why she is so guarded after last year. Janet talks about Gamble not having her own money but didn’t Janet marry wealth a couple of times and get huge divorce settlements? Pot stirrer! And what is with her face and skin in those close ups? The way Petty treats sales clerks…what a b*tch! And how inappropriate is she with her son?

    • twifan2

      😀
      I’m to the point I rather have Andrea back that the 2 newbies! 🙂
      I hope that sales clerk charged Petti big bucks for his tie! 😀

    • Jennymckitty

      That’s what I thought as well. Who is Janet to call anyone a gold digger? I think that Janet noticed how her makeup creased into her wrinkles last year, so she had some resurfacing and switched makeup. Now it is very moist (like Crisco grease) and highly reflective. That’s why you notice the wrinkles primarily in close ups.

      • pixntrix

        Wrinkles and lumps…lol she pays all this money to look worse we are getting the last laugh

        • twifan2

          In certain lighting, it’s looks really bad! Hideous! 😮

          • Jennymckitty

            I know. But in others, her skin almost looks flawless. I think that’s what make the wrinkles so startling in the close ups.

  • twifan2

    Has anyone heard anything about Petti’s book even being picked up by a publishing house yet?
    Is it even finished? o.0
    She was on my ‘hit list’ after that comment to the Bentley salesman about ‘if it’s possible to get mirrors installed on the floor of the car so that she can look at her “landing strip.’ ‘ SERIOUSLY gross!

    • Jennymckitty

      The only way that mess is going to get published is if she does it herself. What editor would ever work with her? Even if she could properly articulate the concept of the book….even if she spoke in grammatically correct sentences…could you imagine having to work with her?

      • twifan2

        Kind of like working with Tre G?! 😀
        What a nightmare! & for what? Does she think she’ll actually sell copies?! :/

        • Jennymckitty

          I actually think it would be worse. Petty seems to think she is very intelligent and right on every matter. She is even more aggressive and rude than any other HW that I can think of. She seems to lack social skills. Who meets for drinks and then demands to be told what has been said about them behind their back?

          • twifan2

            That’s why Janet is teaming up with her!
            Crude, rude & socially inappropriate! Just what Janet needs, wants as an ally!
            Petti is rubbing viewers the wrong way over there. & Petti doesn’t care what they think about her. Wonder if she’ll be another Andrea?

          • Jennymckitty

            Wonder if Andrea found her. She makes Andera look like a ray of sunshine.

          • twifan2

            I’ll take Andrea BACK after watching these 2 newbiews now! 🙂

          • She is inching her way toward Andrea territory!

          • twifan2

            I certainly hope it’s way out the gate! 🙂

          • pixntrix

            And here I thought Brandi couldn’t be out done…lol

          • Jennymckitty

            They are both pretty horrible. Each in their own right.

        • pixntrix

          Remember there is “a bunch of crazy Chinese bitches” wanting her book. Only in her daft mind. She is a nut and narrow minded

          • twifan2

            OMG! I cringed when she said that! >(

    • As Gina would say, I perish the thought! My faith in the publishing world would take a serious hit if she were to get a deal.

      • twifan2

        GURL! I’d be crying in my box wine for days, if that ever happens1 😉

    • Babson_Chick

      and I also thought Petti’s comment was beyond tacky