We are privileged to start the episode with FaceTime with Apollo who tells us he is going “asunder.” Please read a book, or two, while in prison. Phaedra, her LV bags and her spider lashes are finally returning home now that the coast is clear. Phaedra hits her pumpkin head getting into the backseat of the car and forgets to ask security to retrieve her bags from the car. Come on Phaedra, remember your lines, girl. What she does remember to do, however, is throw some serious shade about who her real friends are. Sounds like she is coming for you Kandi.
Speaking of Kandi, she is with team messy employees (Don Juan and Carmen) doing nothing when Todd comes back from his “business trip.” She has to ask him for a hug because this is the first time she has seen him since his return (and they have been fighting). They start discussing the newest topic for ‘Kandi Koated Knights’ about, what else, spicing up your sex life. As if on cue, Team Messy Employees shade Todd about his “finger waves and hunching like a puppy” and needing pointers from Kandi” regarding his bedroom skills. #Disrespectful. When they leave, Todd says to his wife, Kandi, let’s face it you ain’t no Rhianna.” Say what now? He also tries to say it is the weave protecting bonnet she wears to bed that turns him off which is why he doesn’t want any nookie from her. Yeah that’s it. Todd you are looking like Abraham Lincoln in your talking head, so please do not throw stones. Kandi suggests they go to marriage counseling. Todd asks about their finances. Kandi says HER finances are fine. Wow. #Run2MarriageCounseling.
Cynthia meets Kenya and Claudia at a wine market for a tasting. After small talk about whose picking up the check and Cynthia adopting Atlanta-Speak for butchering wines, Kenya asks have they seen all the mess about Apollo going to prison in the news and internet. Cynthia says she has something better, actual tea from Apollo himself. Cynthia tells them about Mr. Chocolate, steamy text messages and that Apollo showed Peter the actual receipts.
Kenya is floored and the waterworks began. That crying was suspect (perhaps she didn’t’ want to ruin her lashes) but I do believe she is genuinely pissed that she has been accused of being a whore by Phaedra with the entire city of Atlanta chiming in when all the while Phaedra’s buttermilk was not clean. Even Cynthia is upset about the Whore-Pocrasy of it All. Claudia just sums it up in one Chris Brown phrase – These Heauxs Ain’t Loyal. Then Bravo gives us the real shade on how much Phaedra has lied since she joined the show with clips – (1) about her actual due date of sex and conception before marriage; and (2) her double talking and lying to Cynthia’s face about not really giving a phuck about her. #ReceiptsByBravo.
Phaedra has her house cleansed by an apostle. Okay. The only thing worth mentioning about this scene was: After the cleansing, she still kept that big azz Phine Body poster which features the demon Apollo front and center. I can’t.
Back at Do-It-Yourself-Closet-By-Ikea, Peter is talking with Cynthia and she tells him she spilled the tea about Mr. Chocolate to the ladies. Peter confirms that he wasn’t the only one who knows about the text messages. Apollo showed Todd as well. Cynthia says surely Kandi must know too. I wonder did Kandi warn her “friend” about what Apollo was saying. Stay tuned.
Kandi stops by to visit Phaedra three days after Apollo has gone “asunder.” I believe Phaedra called Kandi over because she doesn’t strike me as someone who would allow pop up company, unless it is Apollo. In her talking head, Phaedra is shading her BFF, Kandi – she says she hasn’t seen Kandi in ages, etc. Phaedra serves lemonade without any lemon slices and wants to just shoot the breeze. Kandi wants Phaedra to cut the bull and flat out asks her what is going on? Phaedra tells her dry version of crazy madman Apollo, his drill and wall punching (cue Bravo showing a hole that looks like a picture frame was removed). Kandi asks did Apollo verbally threaten Phaedra. Phaedra admits he did not, but she says she still kept her trigger finger ready with her 357 Magnum. She changes the subject and starts singing the praises of saint Nene and how Nene calls her every day like a good friend would. #Shade. Kandi gives Phaedra the extreme side eye. She then invites Phaedra to the dinner with all the ladies. #Payback. Phaedra says she will go, but she will need to anoint the heauxs. Gurl, if you only knew how much you would need that oil for yourself tonight.
They arrive at the appropriately named Brazilian restaurant, Foco da Chao, which means “Fire on the Ground,” and boy did they throw flames at that dinner. Kandi is actually on time for this event, along with Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, Porsha, and Demetria – who said nothing all night. Porsha orders her vodka, Claudia wants her sweet wine and Kenya makes small chat with the waiter. Porsha attempts to regain her peach again, when she shades Kenya in her talking head and says ” Kenya needs a lifetime supply of tap water because she is so thirsty she has to flirt with the waiter.” #FireYourWriter. At least the waiter wasn’t married AND he isn’t an old suga daddy. #SheTriedIt #ClaudiaStillHasYourPeach.
No one mentions Nene, but they wonder if Phaedra is coming. Nene and Phaedra show up together. Nene brags about being so busy studying for Brawway! Nene then turns to her newest BFF Phaedra and asks how is she doing? Phaedra responds “just living” with a wink wink and a double eyebrow raise. She and Nene share a private joke and a hand slap. Cynthia wants Phaedra to elaborate and attempts, miserably, to bring up Apollo, Mr. Chocolate and Textgate. Nene does a impression of Cynthia’s mumbling. Cynthia hems and haws while looking at the table like a child about to get slapped that she heard Phaedra was texting another man because Apollo told Peter so Phaedra should stop throwing the whore word around.
Phaedra starts texting – somebody, but who? Bravo gets a close up of her phone, but then blurs it out. Dayum! Phaedra then tells Cynthia to mind her own business and her own huzzzband. If she didn’t see it, then it’s not true. Phaedra continues to text – somebody. Cynthia says Apollo showed Peter the actual text messages. Phaedra says Apollo is a liar and if you believe those text messages then you have to believe the text messages Apollo spoke about concerning Kenya.
This lights the fire under Kenya who chimes in that was not the same thing. (True: we all know if Apollo had real sleazy text messages between he and Kenya they would have been shown front and center. He did not have any AND he admitted that he lied to piss off Phaedra. He also lied because Kenya wouldn’t give him any play). Kenya then dumps the teapot all over the table, because Cynthia sucks at it. Kenya says Phaedra has a lot of nerves calling her a whore for years and yet all this time sending sex texts to a man who isn’t your husband. Phaedra asks who? Kenya blasts, Mr. Chocolate – the man who you are having an affair with! Shots Fired.
Phaedra jumps up and takes a half swing at Kenya with her pocketbook. Then she remembers she is on camera and says “somebody take me home right now.” She apparently forgets she is also still mike’d because she cursing up a storm, with “phuck this, Imma beat somebody’s azz, this is some bullchit, and they got me phucked up.” #PottyMouth. While Phaedra was throwing her tantrum, Nene was quiet, Porsha started drinking her vodka,and Kandi wasn’t saying a word. Kandi was probably thinking “dayum who told?”
This carries into the parking lot. Phaedra was going to leave, but they stand in the lot talking and Phaedra kept texting – who? Kandi must have realized she let Phaedra walk out with the Puppet Master and her lackey so she runs behind them to comfort her “friend.” #TooLate. In the parking lot, Phaedra is leaning up against Porsha’s car while Nene and Porsha speak for her. Nene says it’s so wrong for folks to expect you to discuss your personal business in front of people who are not your friends. Really Nene? #DoubleStandards. Kenya, Claudia, Cynthia and Demetria catch up with them in the parking lot and Kenya continues to blast them about the Whore-Pocracy of everything. Phaedra cannot take it, Porsha cannot keep up so they get into Porsha’s vehicle, and go home with Phaedra cursing all the way.
Next week: Kandi and Todd go to therapy; Porsha tells Phaedra that Kandi isn’t her friend; Kandi tries to check Nene and Porsha about coming between she and Phaedra; and Phaedra checks Cynthia. Check that!