The “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” begins with Yolanda meeting on a valet serviced patch of grass with race planners Bob and Larry, to kick off the ‘Housewife’ scavenger hunt/race. It’s really important to Yolanda that the women look at each other with less cringing, so reminding the group of one of her finest cringe-worthy hostess moments with color coded ‘dream team’ t-shirts is the perfect festive touch. The other women arrive, with Camille joining in as an invited guest to the most random event of the season. Bob and Larry dole out directions in their best game show host voices. Kim is aghast that her ‘illness’ isn’t being honored, and just can’t imagine running anywhere in such a weakened state. Teams are chosen, and the unheard of happens…icky Brandi is plunked on Kyle’s team, which brings stifled, eye widening and snickering from the group. Kim gets stuck with Eileen, and can’t quite recall if she likes her or not. They all run around, unlock boxes and unwrap things in a competitive frenzy. Kim adds a knee problem to her list of frailties, which irritates Eileen, who just wants to throw Kim into a wheelchair and shove her across the finish line.
They all speed drink milkshakes, except Yolanda who uses the greedy and inconsiderate group flavor choice as an excuse to avoid adding an extra handful of almonds worth of calories onto her day. Kyle wisely refuses to drink from Brandi’s straw, Yo
Yo is slaying her Facetime issues this week, and calls her mom to break the news. They chat with each other in Dutch, and we hear about a gala that King David is having in Calgary, which the women are hitting first, before flying to Holland.
We skip over to a cooking scene in Kyle’s kitchen, and watch her hurl noodles in an extremely strange sequined apron. She puts her daughter Sophia in charge of Portia’s hair challenges in her absence, because Mauricio is much too busy pursuing wealth to help out with anything. We skip over to Lisa R’s house where she is running over the schedule with her housekeeper, Lorena. Lisa is protective of her girls, and is concerned about going away, but admits that her family will probably be happier with her overseas.
Over at Brandi’s, she and her only friend Mark are discussing the end of her cleanse, and the dilemma of Kim being around for the joyous swan dive into inebriation. We jump around between houses and listen in about travel wardrobes, and the unlikeliness of this trip actually being any fun.
The women arrive to be whisked away via Foster hired jet, and we learn that Eileen and Queen Lisa can’t make the first leg of the trip. Yo is disappointed, because she is sure that they will miss the fanciest and most meaningful experience of their lives. Kim kicks off her globetrotter crazy, by complaining about Lisa Rinna being genuinely concerned behind her back. Brandi’s same old same old has kicked in, and she has blabbed about the lunch conversation that she had with Lisa, conveniently omitting the part about her uncomfortable horror at being tagged as Kim’s BFF.
We flash to Brandi and Kim in a dramatic enabling gab fest, where Kim defends herself, claiming that being high as a kite once in awhile still counts as being pretty darn sober. The plane takes off, and Yo whips out her trusty stewardess shtick, while mouthing “If this verrrlddd…” Lisa R steps into it with Kim, and asks if she’s peeved at her, which Kim confirms, due to Lisa’s lousy enabling skills. Kim proclaims that she’s been around this block before, and that she doesn’t need to lie or play games, especially when she is busy white knuckling it to her next whoopsie. Lisa sincerely apologizes, Kim continues to bray like an unbalanced banshee, Kyle hides behind her jacket in embarrassment, and guest passenger Babyface takes up cringing.
Over at Eileen’s, the hubby ineptness continues, with Vince being directed in writing, to remember to dress and feed his child while Eileen is away. Back in Canada, we watch the women reveal their charity event dresses, and Kyle is busting out her best Elvira inspired Frederick’s of Hollywood jumpsuit for the occasion. Yo stares at her in disbelief and with a semi-panicked expression on her face, stutters out a forced ‘gorgeous’, while inwardly cringing. Lisa R assures the women that she got Kim’s message loud and clear and explains that due to her husband Harry’s family history with addiction, the subject is a sensitive one. She watched Harry’s two brothers die of addiction, and she opens up and shares that Harry made the decision to quit drinking three years ago. Was it just me, or did Kyle asking Lisa “How long has HARRY been sober?” Sound defensive and bitchy?
Lisa expresses that she is proud of Harry for breaking the stronghold that substance abuse has had on his family, and the genuine and poignant moment makes me thankful once again for Lisa’s honest presence on this show. They arrive at the event, and meet up with Brandi and Kim, who apparently never separate for any reason. The event is glam and upscale, and seems cool until Yo toasts to her love, which is predictably a bit nauseating. Steven Tyler and other generous donors cough up mega bucks to financially support families who are awaiting organ transplants for their children…indeed a great cause. Musical guests are introduced, and Kyle jumps around on the stage with Steven Tyler, who plants a big wet one on her, a true testament to how gross she really thought Brandi’s milkshake straw was. Now I am the one cringing! The event is a booming success, and now it’s off to Amsterdam.
The crew touches down in Yo’s homeland, and everyone is excited to be there. They collect their 18 pieces of luggage apiece, and Kyle realizes that the rolling trunk that she used to haul her opulent jewels in is missing. They all wait around until it’s recovered, and proceed to cause a big clunky commotion on the escalator. Yolanda looks embarrassed that she brought this group of clumsy clods to her motherland, and tension is rising with our resident junkie, who is irritated that hitting the streets in this Utopia has been delayed by her dumb sister.
Kim leaps at the chance to blast Kyle for making them late, and Kyle is surprised, because it doesn’t dawn on her that all of the sober miles may have made her sis a tad cranky. Kim blathers to Yo that Kyle is an utter failure at making her the center of her universe while they travel, while Lisa advises Kyle to quit allowing Kim any space in her head.
The craziness hits new heights next week…it’s Amsterdam after all!