It’s FINALLY here! “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” begins by revealing the hubbub going on behind the most over-yapped, over-hyped, and most pointless party ever mentioned on this show. It’s Brandi’s housewarming party, and whether it’s the first house or the sixth, we better believe that it’s a big deal. After all, it’s marking the first day of the rest of Brandi’s life…sort of like her dogs who were marking their special day by peeing all over that last shack Brandi ditched.
We switch over to Kyle’s beauty prep station where she is gobbing on the gook and surmising that because Brandi lives in a better house, Lisa should open her mind and cut her some slack, because at least Brandi has evolved to the point of faking some showy wealth more effectively. Portia, who has officially lost any faint shred of lingering cuteness, snarks by asking her mom which Lisa is better, and it’s decided that Lips helps Kyle to look more affluent, making her the obvious winner.
Back at Brandi’s house, we are clued in on Brandi’s savvy strategy to manage hostess stress, namely to stay falling down wasted. Remaining plastered is as good as blackout sex, because they both make a girl forget what a drunk floozy looks like. The guests begin to arrive, and Brandi and her breasts make their grand entrance. Her house looks nice, and we get reacquainted with her parents, while Yolanda lectures us all to be proud of our soon to be tanked hostess. Leeza Gibbons pops in, mistakes the event for a paid gig, and won’t shut up. Queen Lisa decides to don her new hooker shoes and make an appearance, which brings excited squeals from Brandi, and Leeza, who is hoping to score the first reconciliation interview. Brandi insists that Lisa loves her, Lisa cringes, Yo and Kyle FAKE being glad that fences are being mended, and Leeza turns to the cameras and tells us that it’s time for a brief commercial message..and CUT!
Lisa and Brandi exchange pleasantries, because a bottle of champagne satisfies all of the roving eyes of scrutiny, and basically shuts everyone up. Brandi claims that she really cares about Lisa, and Lisa responds with a “yeah right” eye twitch. Lisa and Brandi’s mom bond over what a gutter oriented brat that Brandi is, while making a lunch date to swap horror stories, which is later canceled when Lisa blames her for Brandi’s thoughtless and mouthy habits. Adrienne shows up, her boy toy is reintroduced, and Brandi is proud of both of them for their mutual and cringe worthy cougar escapades. It is determined that proven right Eileen actually knew the cast that she has worked with for decades, which makes me assume that Brandi was probably watching her favorite after-school show in an altered state. We learn about a tea event that Queen Lisa is hosting at Pump to benefit teen girls in foster care, and are reminded that Lisa’s son, Max, was actually once in the system. The women take turns toasting Brandi, Lisa emotionally passes, and Ken stifles an appalled grimace while looking sideways during his good byes. Before Lisa’s hooker shoes make it to her car, Kyle is pumping Brandi for info, with Brandi expressing that a classic Housewives sit down might be necessary to……wait for it…..move forward. She doesn’t get that Lisa’s throne is much too heavy to move anywhere.
Lisa and her lips are trying to stay relevant, and substitute hosting at Access Hollywood is on tap for today. Lisa and Eileen both share that working out and sitting in makeup chairs are necessary to stay fresh as a daisy current. Eileen is paddle boarding, and Lisa is ice dumping, snoozy stories are told about fame and relevance, and I am dozing off due to the irrelevant nature of these repetitive anecdotes.
We are treated to a plucky and equally boring scene with Kyle and Mauricio, complaining about sandwiches, laundry and their poo producing children leaving home. Lisa’s event has arrived, and the women file in, dump their donated dresses, and as Brandi shows, I have my fingers crossed that she remembered to wash hers, hopefully twice. Yolanda immediately begins braying that Lisa didn’t invite her to the opening of Pump, as she gives us the traditional ‘The Only Acceptable Way to Be A Friend’ lecture that we have to tolerate every time someone wisely ignores her. Brandi, with that trademark trashy glint in her eye, rips a branch off one of Lisa’s olive trees and shoves it at her as a peace offering.
Lisa dumps ice, minus the makeup damaging water on Yolanda, probably hoping to pry her out of the white jeans that she wears in almost very scene. Luckily she just happens to be prepared with a change of clothes, killing the chance of any believable charitable spontaneity. Brandi throws a lewd comment at Lisa that I refuse to repeat, but Lisa echos it to the whole table of women, who nervously giggle in horror at the gauche touch of disgusting that Brandi brings to every gathering. Yolanda doesn’t know what they’re talking about, wonders if she could grow it in her lemon grove, and Eileen is appropriately repulsed.
Eileen and Lisa Lips are clueless about the Queen overthrow effort, and ask to be filled in on what went on last season. Kyle and Brandi take turns spilling their version of the story which brings long OHHHHHHS from the newcomers. Yolanda continues to bleeeeaaaat about being left out of Lisa’s star ceremony, and Eileen interjects, that just in case no one noticed, EVERYONE was invited to this event.
THANK YOU Eileen!! Lisa remarks that women are empathetic creatures, which brings blank stares from every direction. Eileen and Lisa exchange OMG glances, like they’re sitting at a table with a bunch of expensively dressed aliens. Brandi remarks that they all love Lisa except Yolanda, who objects with a NOT ME!! as everyone toasts to keeping the ongoing newbie confusion going.