“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills“ begins in Lisa Rinna’s back yard, where teen trampoline jumping and poop scooping is on the agenda. Lisa is experiencing all the teenage torture that her beloved mother had so lovingly wished for, and we learn that her childhood home is sadly being sold. It’s necessary but upsetting, and Lisa has to head up to Oregon to retrieve some belongings. Lisa’s daughters give us a glimpse of that classic adolescent horror when they act bratty and insensitive at their mom’s plea for support, undoubtedly making their nana proud. The girls don’t understand why their mom’s response wasn’t simply “whatever” at her childhood home vanishing, and lifting boxes of 40 year old lead weight stuffed animals is just out of the question.
We jump to Vanderpump Central where the Bravo cameras have emerged from Lisa’s closet to introduce us to her pet swans Hanky and Panky. Lisa coos and giggles and just loves, loves, LOVES their feathered gay bottoms. We sit for a spot of tea with the couple, and Ken throws some well aimed shade at Kyle. They discuss their upcoming social calendar, decide to say HELL NO to Brandi’s housewarming party, but vow to catch it when it comes around again next year. Panky waddles in and skirmishes with the dogs while Lisa skitters after them, and it’s pretty adorable.
Lisa Lips is heading to Malibu, and meeting Yolanda and Eileen for lunch, hoping that the get together might kick off a friendship between Yo and Eileen. Yolanda thinks Eileen is a beautiful spirit because they both love to do things classically dutch, namely by pushing birth control onto their kids and welcoming them to use it in their homes. Eileen is relieved to have lunch with no male anatomy flying around, and they all agree that the simple life is best, because being in charge of a ton of servants is just a big pain in the brouhaha.
We are back at Kyle’s, who is in the midst of planning a barbecue. Barbecues are great, because no one expects massive wealth and eating an upper middle class hot dog is a nice prosperity break. Kyle knows it’s hard to believe based on her hiking dialogues, but she is actually not in high school, and is planning to invite all of her conflicting friends.
We travel to Medford, Oregon to see Lisa’s parents, and all the fast food options make her daughters horrified and uncomfortable. Lisa used to love going to church, which her daughters believe explains her acute weirdness. Maybe that’s the reason that I like her? Medford is evidently the armpit of the west, and it’s a miracle that poor Lisa made it out of such a pit of lameness alive. Sorry Medfordites! We meet Lisa’s parents, Frank and Lois, and they are darling. We learn that her mom has lost much of her memory due to a stroke, and view some lovely paintings, done by her father. Lisa’s daughters visibly love and empathize with their ailing grandfather, and the scene is touching. We fast forward to a lunch with Lisa and her half sister Nancy, who Lisa only fondly remembers as someone who constantly smoked on toilets. The rest of the family arrives, and they all laugh about how great Lisa is at burning rice in the microwave.
Back at Kyle’s dinner, which bears no resemblance to a barbecue, the finishing touches are being added, and the chef wants to get started on the sangria. Kyle warns the chef breezily to avoid their supply of $2k bottles of red, because Mauricio gets annoyed whenever she has the opportunity to drearily brag about the cost of a bottle of wine. Kyle also adds that she’s still jet lagged, but it’s a just case of so much opulence and so little film, and there will be time for sleep later. Yolanda, Eileen and Vince are headed to Kyle’sand Yo assures her that this MUST be a very casual affair, because Eileen is actually welcome. Back home in Lisa’s closet, Lisa is showing off her best hooker shoes, and vows to not allow Brandi’s own hooker tendencies keep her from any fun event that she feels like attending. Brandi and Kim arrive at Kyle’s as well as Yo, Eileen and Vince, with Yolanda being the only one who is remotely dressed for any sort of barbecue. Brandi shares that she is around actors all the time, mostly naked, but is mega starstruck by meeting her fave soap star. Yolanda is peeved that she wasn’t invited to Lisa’s star ceremony, because she hadn’t been let in on the news that Lisa chose to invite only actual fun people to celebrate with her. Brandi breaks the ice with her soap idol by yapping about her tight vagina, and Eileen is not amused by the vagina reno report.
Lisa and Brandi greet each other, and Brandi spills the real truth, that Lisa’s aloofness is a challenge that she must win, simply for the sport, not for the friendship. Lisa isn’t interested in warming Brandi’s house, and God only knows where that tramp’s slippers have been, so it’s just too soon. Lisa isn’t sure why Brandi even wants someone around who she thinks is so horrible, but assures her that she will consider coming, if by the end of the evening she can still stand the sight of her. The other Lisa and her mom are reminiscing in their old home, and rummaging through belongings, and it is sentimental and sweet. We get a glimpse of an old Playboy cover while Lisa explains that her old flowery room made her a nice enough girl to pose naked and stay kind at the same time. Back at Kyle’s, Brandi and Eileen argue and make a bet about some Days character, and Eileen seems sick ofBrandi’s blather already. That has to be a record, and it proves that Eileen is a smart cookie.
The whole group sits around the table and shares bits and pieces of their fabulous world travels, which Yo considers a snoozy career. They banter about acting gigs, and we ricochet around the group, listening to how they all lied to get various jobs. Eileen got crushed by a motorcycle, Kim learned to play tennis, and Kyle got rejected because she couldn’t pull off wearing glasses believably. We end the evening with Brandi clutching a struggling to be free Ken, followed by a pleading session to get he and Lisa to come to her over hyped housewarming party. Brandi gets emotionally teary every time she sees them, but refuses to kiss their asses any longer than the amount of time that it takes to beg on her hands and knees until they get in their car. The girls gossip a few minutes longer about how Lisa never cries and never lets go of any grudge, with Brandi earnestly proclaiming that as God as her witness, just WHATEVER! Merry Christmas to you all, and I will see you next time!