Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Brandi Versus The Maloof Hoof [Episode 2]

Posted on Nov 26 2014 - 2:39am by BeachSpin

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As “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” kicks off this week, we are all cordially invited to Brandi’s moving party. Yep, she’s moving again, and it’s hard on the kids, but her furniture needs cleansing, and the movers are cute, so what’s a single mom to do?  Kim and Brandi’s other pals are there to lend a hand, and I’m hoping that someone will find the designated shampoo box and push Brandi to wash her hair. Kim and Brandi decide that unpacking is a snooze, and instead choose to launch into gossip about The Hoof’s clopping return. Kim thinks Brandi’s growth is huge, because her self centered head space has also relocated. The cute movers gallantly drag in her overused stripper pole, and a tasteless art piece, while the guest hecklers lounge in camp chairs and snicker at Brandi’s blatant tackiness.

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Brandi’s boyfriend JR is a cheater, but a phone sex commitment keeps Brandi’s low standards satisfied, and gawking at 25 year old abs makes her forget that she’s not being intimate with an actual person.

Next, we move to Vanderpump Central, where Lisa is meeting with Clare, blouse designer to the rich and prosperous. They discuss what the cuff bedazzlement of the month will be, on Lisa’s pricey, custom shirts, and just when the exchange begins to get obnoxious, we hear the background story of Magdalena, a household staff member who Lisa hired, literally right off the street. The story is generous and sweet, and illustrates a genuine caring for people that makes Lisa’s extreme wealthiness so easy to enjoy, and fun to watch.

Closet convos continue, as we hop over to the slummier private space of Kyle and Mauricio, where the couple is preparing for a trip to Tahoe. The family is flying private, because public airports are just a giant pain. Lest we forget, Ken and Lisa aren’t the ONLY loaded ones, a reminder further supported by Kyle’s Hoarders inspired makeup collection, which could easily fill the van of that guy with the victorious abs. Lisa and Ken discuss the recent white party, and Lisa reflects back on the systematic gang up of last season. Lisa doesn’t think that certain friendships will ever recover, and Ken is already dreading next year’s Fatburger. We ricochet between Kyle being nosy, Brandi being bitchy, and Adrienne and Paul being married. Lisa wisely believes that Brandi has shown her true colors, and those colors simply don’t fly with her updated wardrobe. Trashy traitors are SO last season.

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Kyle, Mauricio and the family are heading to their luxurious private plane, and Kyle giggles about those lame old days of poverty, when she forced her kids to act like babies, to score cheap seats.  Kyle is worried that Portia will hear her endlessly blathering about their excessive cash and it will encourage her to figure that she’s spoiled.  

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Lisa Lips is having lunch with her hustler agent Nick, and explains that she is willing to reinvent herself to the point of wearing Depends, if it makes her a buck…and no bathroom breaks on the way to the bank are necessary!  I think that she is fabulously relevant! Lisa V. and her pal Mohamed’s fiancé, Shiva, are jewelry shopping to celebrate Lisa’s and Ken’s anniversary, Lisa’s birthday, and that sacred occasion of Lisa putting out twice a year. Lisa laments that Shiva is the only friend she can laugh with, especially while trying on a ring that is worth more than my house. The scene was cute.

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We are then abruptly jolted in the opposite direction of cute, because evidently it’s time for a sexy poultry roasting scene, at the Foster mansion. Yolanda surprises a clearly embarrassed King David, by proudly opening a chicken filled oven, while wearing an odd, black lingerie apron. They dine, while David fondly recollects the other awkward occasions when Yolanda surprised him by dressing like a dirty hooker. The whole display is icky, and makes me uncomfortable.

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We jump to Brandi and Kim bantering about Brandi pulling a Mrs. Robinson on Jake, the hunky mover.  We learn that Brandi’s sort of boyfriend JR, loves two women, and that fact might be a slight deal breaker, so they decide to wear wigs and spy on JR with his probably classier, and definitely more sober love interest.  The gals dress up like Thelma and Louise wannabes, and head out.  Kim is driving, so fingers crossed that she doesn’t mistakenly swerve towards the nearest cliff.  Brandi snarks that jumping fences in wacky costumes is WAY more fun than polishing gigantic diamonds, like someone who shall remain nameless…..and forever fabulous. They clumsily tumble into some bushes, cleverly wearing those classic camo colors of bright yellow and hot pink, spot JR walking across the street, and declare their mission an unproductive, successful waste of time.

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Brandi, back in her own extensions, is getting ready for her coffee with Adrienne, and she’s nervous, because her mouth didn’t get cleansed with her couch in the move.  Despite the fact that she’s resorting to jumping 23 year olds for hickeys, she’s apparently in a great and purple oriented space, and wants to move forward.

We flip to Yolanda, pouring herself into her signature white jeans to meet Kim for a horseback riding excursion. Kim reflects back on tattoos, Disney movies, and yelling for help while riding horseback.  Yolanda thinks that Kim is like a cream cake, and since the new chunkier Yo likes cake, she decides to make Kim her little sister. Some poor Bravo cameraman apparently drew the short straw, and has been dragged to Tahoe, to film a single and extremely staged phone conversation between Brandi and Kyle. The whole conversation sounds phony and rehearsed, especially when Kyle couldn’t manage to slip in any comment about the extravagance of the boat.

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Brandi is on her way to the coffee meeting, and she concocts a razor sharp strategy to fight off anxiety, which involves waiting before she breathes, and breathing before she shrieks. Adrienne clops in, and they exchange stiff and uncomfortable small talk. Brandi apologizes for spilling the beans that Adrienne lied about being pregnant, but in the same breath, blames Lisa for spurring her to screech at she and Paul like a lunatic banshee. Adrienne doesn’t hate Brandi, she just thinks that she has dyslexia of the head space, and does things in the wrong order, like shrieking before she waits or breathes. Adrienne thinks that everyone needs to be accountable for their own actions, and that dragging Lisa into it isn’t fair. Brandi knows that she does the right thing MOST of the time, although that darn perfection continues to elude her.

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Amen to that last part. Let’s hope that EVERYONE moves to a new and more exciting head space next week!

 

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I am a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. My bio is short, but my snark is endless, and I love writing for the sharpest posters in the world. Follow me on Facebook

  • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

    Wasn’t Brandi the one who told Lisa about Adrienne’s plan to take her down in season 2 because Brandi was having her own issues with Adrienne and she needed an ally? This is her MO. She did it with Kyle last season and now with Adrienne of all people! Isn’t Brandi the one who pretended to be Cedric’s friend to get on the show? And who manipulated Lisa and Ken and us viewers in to thinking she was being sued by Adrienne and Paul? I’m so glad that Adrienne saw through her BS. I disliked Adrienne in previous seasons but she’s no fool.

    • Sharon

      Yes and yes and yes and yes. I found it rather typical of Brandi to apologize to Adrienne by blaming Lisa.

      • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

        IKR? And then she’s the one bleating all over twitter that Lisa takes zero ownership!

      • itsjustme

        Exactly! Once again that bitch refuses to own her actions. She had to blame Lisa, for what she did to Adrienne and Paul. This woman will NEVER grow up and own up to her actions!

      • Gabby

        Of course! It’s NEVER her fault, always the people around her. When you begin placing blame on everybody with whom you come into contact, I think YOU’RE the problem. Projection is never appealing no matter who you are.

    • YES!!! It’s sad that Brandi feels the only way to become friends/bond with someone is by throwing another under the bus. It’s the same tired old trend with her. Brandi is a sad woman.

      • Gabby

        More Lexapro is needed.

      • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

        Very sad. And very needy and demanding of her friends too. One thing I love about Lisa V is that she really doesn’t expect anything from these women.

  • Brandi is a c u n t, plain and simple. Rude, nasty, unthoughtful, uncaring, doesn’t caution or police her own comments enough, despite the hurt she may cause to people on the receiving end, has enough dead air in her to fill a hot air balloon … I can keep going on honestly. Fact of the matter is, Brandi had no place to talk about Hoof’s children, whether it was edited out of the show or not. I would personally never forgive any woman who came for my children, especially one who had her husband taken from her by a homewrecking country singer who now shares custody with said ex and homewrecking country singer. The Hoof must really desperate for camera time.

    • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

      ITA. Brandi is the lowest of the low and will use ANYTHING she has on someone to hurt them. It was disgusting that she felt entitled to reveal that about Adrienne’s children without a care for their privacy. She actually wants to destroy Lisa V. This is not a character she is playing for the show – this is Brandi. She does the same to her friends on twitter too – puts them on blast if they displease her. She is unbelievably self-absorbed and doesn’t see beyond her own needs. She will ruin any event or any one else’s celebration if she is unhappy. She gives nothing back to those women or society in general. She doesn’t use her platform for awareness or support any charity unless paid to do so by Celebrity Apprentice. Brandi is like some horrible virus feeding of it’s host RHOBH and won’t be happy until she has infected them all.

      • Right on pint! This girl is sick and twisted. She’s complete and utter trash and gutter scum! I can not stand her or what she represents. It’s hard for me to watch RHOBH with her own. She isn’t rich and you can’t really say she’s well off either, knowing her, if she had a choice, she’d probably drink all her money away, she nasty and crude, and she a skank. I wiped my hands with her a few seasons ago.

  • colleen

    Beach Spin: Another cleverly written blog! Best line: “Classic camp colors bright pink….” Brandi eased up on the fillers and is looking human again and Maloof scares the begeezies out of me.

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks so much Colleen! The Hoof is a bit frightening…to look at anyway.

  • WestCoastFeed

    Nice recap. So, I have tried watching BH again. Good, there they were displaying what we asked to see. Shopping, living the lives of the well-to-do, private planes, horseback riding, gorgeous homes. Lisa has really tacky taste in blouses. Brandi almost learned how to apologize. And Kim had some really pleasant scenes that were fun to watch. Lisa R. promises to be a great addition. I will try watching another week if this continues.

    • Hi West. I’m glad to hear you gave the show another shot. Last night’s episode moved too slow for me. I almost fell asleep. But reading your comment reminds me that this is what the hw shows should be all about. I guess I’ve gotten too use to the drama we see all the time.

  • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

    Am I the only one who thinks it looks like they’re all holding silicone implants in their promo shot?

    • Gabby

      Silicone Facial Implants from Brandi’s face?

      • TheBeverlyHillsHaveEyes

        No they’re too small for that 🙂

        • Gabby

          Bwahahaha!!!

    • Ha! They’re holding diamonds (of course) but it sure looks like silicone which is more fitting.

  • Gabby

    “Hi my love!” If I hear that once more, I’m throwing a Thanksgiving Turkey threw the TV screen. Something about their “relationship” puts me off. NEVER felt authentic, I guess.

    Brandi’s blog – …”it was lovely to see Kyle’s family go on yet another vacation, and I’m thrilled to know that Lisa V. now has two housekeepers.”

    In her blog, Brandi turned the housekeeper scene into something negative. What an asshole! No wonder Lisa recently stopped following her on Twitter. Now, this Adrienne/Brandi debacle…

    Adrienne must really be desperate for camera time, because I assure you, I would NOT be able to film with or be anywhere near Brandi after she revealed something as serious as a surrogacy arrangement. That’s TOO FAR and incredibly vicious and atrocious. She proved herself to be evil and vile that season.

    Hilarious and spot-on recap, Beach! BTW NOT enough Lisa V. in this episode. ♥

    • Hi Gabby!

      What the hell is Brandi’s problem? She’s just a miserable ugly soul and I hope Lisa stays far away from her. She was NEVER a friend because she doesn’t know how to be a friend. It’s not in her DNA.

      • Trippinhhard

        IKR Yoyo better watch what she tells Brandi or what she lets her see at their home, because she will tell on her too.. She out for Lisa really bad, she barking at a dog that won’t take the bait.. Oh you bet Lisa is a very smart lady, ignore her, she’s already killed her with kindness and it wasn’t enough.. I also never thought Lisa was perfect, she just knows how to handle a pesky bitch…

    • Birdie11

      YES!! Yolanda is killing herself to sell her life as perfect…it all comes across fake to me. I’m not buying it. I’ll raise you and throw a blob of mashed potatoes right with you!

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks Gabby! I CANNOT believe that Brandi turned that cute housekeeper story into something nasty…jealous much?

  • Trippinhhard

    Great recap. I’m so sick of Brandi and her trying to add others into her problem with anyone. She’s the forever victim and big mouth all in one. David looked like her saw a ghost, poor Yoyo does she only make dry looking chicken. Kyle and the gang on a family trip, oh wow

    • BeachSpin

      Thank you Trippin…that’s Brandi in a nutshell. We are supposed to buy that dry chicken is the King’s favorite, not that it’s the only thing that this Martha Stewart wannabe can cook.

  • RonnieIsBack

    Great recap Beach.
    I am so sick of bones whiny Brandi once again crying and blaming Lisa because she won’t play with her anymore. Bish you bit the hand that fed you. Deal with it.
    Kyle is still a bit Vyle and trying her darndest to appear oh so embarassed at Portia acting like they are loaded, while flaunting it in our faces that they are…loaded…for now..but MoGreceio looks stressed…
    Kim…why are you here?
    Loving Lisa R. she is funny and will hump anyone for a buck…I light it. Get your career back girl.
    Lisa is extravagant and a REAL RICH BISH….FLAUNT IT HUNTY FLAUNT TI.
    Yolanda and those white effing pants…burn that chit .
    David was embarassed and thinking about that younger blonde in the Alps.

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks Ronnie…I agree 100%…YES!

  • Birdie11

    I watch RHBH to watch EFFORTLESS wealth like Lisa’s, I don’t want someone desperately pointing it out in every scene, waiting for applause, like Kyle. I am loving Lisa Rinna, she is hilarious, and a creative and humble work horse. It’s killing Brandi that Lisa has tossed her out…she wishes she could be having tea and crumpets instead of making a fool of herself with irrelevant Kim.

  • Walkie Wawtmire

    Can’t believe wound up here. Helpa, helpa.

  • 4theHighHeels_4theRawDeals

    Why are Kim and Brandi on this show? They aren’t wealthy, they aren’t housewives–and it seems the only two people who can stand either one of them are each other, which is why they are besties.

    Kim has to be stone cold drunk all of the time to forget that it was BRANDI who called her out on national television for being a meth head. Meanwhile Lisa, who hasn’t done anything at all to Kim is the one Kim hates. SMDH.

    I hate that Vyle is now pimping Portia out as the “new Miliania.” And Vyle lies and says she doesn’t want Portia to grow up spoiled? Whaaaaat? That child is already spoiled and obnoxious–but then I’ve never been a big fan of children who misbehave. I have never thought Milania was that funny–all I see is a future adult trainwreck. Same with Portia. But what can you expect with Vyle and Mo-Greasy-Ho at the helm?

    I can’t believe I once actually liked Brandi. I think she’s scary the way she goes all fatal attraction on people who no longer want anything to do with her. WTH does Brandi think Lisa is going to do after Brandi tried desperately to bring her down–even going as far as saying they filed for BK, which was 100% untrue and could have hurt Ken and Lisa’s business? (Oops–I googled the wrong Ken Todd). Nothing worse than a stupid drunk. Kim and Brandi hang out together so they can drink wine and pop tranquilizers. Blech on both of them.

    • TopGear

      Brandi is the new Pam…. If you’re gonna flaunt the designer clothes you pretend to have learn to pronounce them. I’m avidly team Lisa but she needs to stop whining about last season, it’s practically her whole storyline now. I really want to see what house they own in Montecito, it’s kind of weird they haven’t shown it in 5 seasons.

      Kyle is doing a terrible job of keeping her daughter grounded. If there wasn’t her whole family on board I would have relished the opportunity for an Aaliyah reference here.

      Yolanda complaining to her chubby housekeeper/houseguest that she’s fat, have a little tact.

      I like Lisa Rinna so far, she seems to be a good addition to the cast.

      Kim…. counting down the episodes til she “Falls off the horse”, I like her for now though.

  • TopGear

    What’s up with the red Kabbalah string bracelet Kyle was wearing in her talking heads? Anyone know?

  • Yolie

    I’m late to the party. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Is Yolo going nuts? I guffawed when she showed up at the nag trailer dressed like she was riding to hounds. And the way she was so golly gee about Western saddles- so different! Why it’s almost as if she’s in a place that’s as far West as you can go! My favorite part was where our horsewoman stood behind a horse. (Don’t do it!) And then leans against the horse’s ass with her hand. Who does that? And then there’s a shot where it looks like she’s almost touching the horse’s b-hole with her pinky, her hand is under the tail! It was so odd.

  • Jennymckitty

    Annette Funicelo told an identical story about trying to ride horses after Disney except the horses she wanted weren’t polo ponies. It was so odd to hear it from Kim. Almost word for word.

    • aemish

      Oh dear..