As “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” kicks off this week, we are all cordially invited to Brandi’s moving party. Yep, she’s moving again, and it’s hard on the kids, but her furniture needs cleansing, and the movers are cute, so what’s a single mom to do? Kim and Brandi’s other pals are there to lend a hand, and I’m hoping that someone will find the designated shampoo box and push Brandi to wash her hair. Kim and Brandi decide that unpacking is a snooze, and instead choose to launch into gossip about The Hoof’s clopping return. Kim thinks Brandi’s growth is huge, because her self centered head space has also relocated. The cute movers gallantly drag in her overused stripper pole, and a tasteless art piece, while the guest hecklers lounge in camp chairs and snicker at Brandi’s blatant tackiness.
Brandi’s boyfriend JR is a cheater, but a phone sex commitment keeps Brandi’s low standards satisfied, and gawking at 25 year old abs makes her forget that she’s not being intimate with an actual person.
Next, we move to Vanderpump Central, where Lisa is meeting with Clare, blouse designer to the rich and prosperous. They discuss what the cuff bedazzlement of the month will be, on Lisa’s pricey, custom shirts, and just when the exchange begins to get obnoxious, we hear the background story of Magdalena, a household staff member who Lisa hired, literally right off the street. The story is generous and sweet, and illustrates a genuine caring for people that makes Lisa’s extreme wealthiness so easy to enjoy, and fun to watch.
Closet convos continue, as we hop over to the slummier private space of Kyle and Mauricio, where the couple is preparing for a trip to Tahoe. The family is flying private, because public airports are just a giant pain. Lest we forget, Ken and Lisa aren’t the ONLY loaded ones, a reminder further supported by Kyle’s Hoarders inspired makeup collection, which could easily fill the van of that guy with the victorious abs. Lisa and Ken discuss the recent white party, and Lisa reflects back on the systematic gang up of last season. Lisa doesn’t think that certain friendships will ever recover, and Ken is already dreading next year’s Fatburger. We ricochet between Kyle being nosy, Brandi being bitchy, and Adrienne and Paul being married. Lisa wisely believes that Brandi has shown her true colors, and those colors simply don’t fly with her updated wardrobe. Trashy traitors are SO last season.
Kyle, Mauricio and the family are heading to their luxurious private plane, and Kyle giggles about those lame old days of poverty, when she forced her kids to act like babies, to score cheap seats. Kyle is worried that Portia will hear her endlessly blathering about their excessive cash and it will encourage her to figure that she’s spoiled.
Lisa Lips is having lunch with her hustler agent Nick, and explains that she is willing to reinvent herself to the point of wearing Depends, if it makes her a buck…and no bathroom breaks on the way to the bank are necessary! I think that she is fabulously relevant! Lisa V. and her pal Mohamed’s fiancé, Shiva, are jewelry shopping to celebrate Lisa’s and Ken’s anniversary, Lisa’s birthday, and that sacred occasion of Lisa putting out twice a year. Lisa laments that Shiva is the only friend she can laugh with, especially while trying on a ring that is worth more than my house. The scene was cute.
We are then abruptly jolted in the opposite direction of cute, because evidently it’s time for a sexy poultry roasting scene, at the Foster mansion. Yolanda surprises a clearly embarrassed King David, by proudly opening a chicken filled oven, while wearing an odd, black lingerie apron. They dine, while David fondly recollects the other awkward occasions when Yolanda surprised him by dressing like a dirty hooker. The whole display is icky, and makes me uncomfortable.
We jump to Brandi and Kim bantering about Brandi pulling a Mrs. Robinson on Jake, the hunky mover. We learn that Brandi’s sort of boyfriend JR, loves two women, and that fact might be a slight deal breaker, so they decide to wear wigs and spy on JR with his probably classier, and definitely more sober love interest. The gals dress up like Thelma and Louise wannabes, and head out. Kim is driving, so fingers crossed that she doesn’t mistakenly swerve towards the nearest cliff. Brandi snarks that jumping fences in wacky costumes is WAY more fun than polishing gigantic diamonds, like someone who shall remain nameless…..and forever fabulous. They clumsily tumble into some bushes, cleverly wearing those classic camo colors of bright yellow and hot pink, spot JR walking across the street, and declare their mission an unproductive, successful waste of time.
Brandi, back in her own extensions, is getting ready for her coffee with Adrienne, and she’s nervous, because her mouth didn’t get cleansed with her couch in the move. Despite the fact that she’s resorting to jumping 23 year olds for hickeys, she’s apparently in a great and purple oriented space, and wants to move forward.
We flip to Yolanda, pouring herself into her signature white jeans to meet Kim for a horseback riding excursion. Kim reflects back on tattoos, Disney movies, and yelling for help while riding horseback. Yolanda thinks that Kim is like a cream cake, and since the new chunkier Yo likes cake, she decides to make Kim her little sister. Some poor Bravo cameraman apparently drew the short straw, and has been dragged to Tahoe, to film a single and extremely staged phone conversation between Brandi and Kyle. The whole conversation sounds phony and rehearsed, especially when Kyle couldn’t manage to slip in any comment about the extravagance of the boat.
Brandi is on her way to the coffee meeting, and she concocts a razor sharp strategy to fight off anxiety, which involves waiting before she breathes, and breathing before she shrieks. Adrienne clops in, and they exchange stiff and uncomfortable small talk. Brandi apologizes for spilling the beans that Adrienne lied about being pregnant, but in the same breath, blames Lisa for spurring her to screech at she and Paul like a lunatic banshee. Adrienne doesn’t hate Brandi, she just thinks that she has dyslexia of the head space, and does things in the wrong order, like shrieking before she waits or breathes. Adrienne thinks that everyone needs to be accountable for their own actions, and that dragging Lisa into it isn’t fair. Brandi knows that she does the right thing MOST of the time, although that darn perfection continues to elude her.
Amen to that last part. Let’s hope that EVERYONE moves to a new and more exciting head space next week!