We are waving good bye to New Jersey, and as I emotionally reflect back on this season’s ups and downs, the overwhelming response that floods my mind is…GOOD RIDDANCE! “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is ending, and it’s time to gear up for Teresa’s swan song performance…that is until surrender day. To all of her fans out there, don’t fret…by looking at her, she likely won’t remember any of it. To all of you whose guilty pleasure is felon themed television…..no worries, because ‘a felon in every franchise’ is Bravo’s new tagline, so just swing on down south and catch the Atlanta version. We open with Dreamboat Jim at it again, challenging the crew of shorty men to a duel with a measuring tape. All of them laugh good naturedly, except Bobby, who is struggling to recall if he had remembered to wear his lifts. Jim is bummed that he couldn’t hang out with the most humorous, felonious couple on the show and resents that the others are calling him judgemental just because he pronounces both Teresas the same way. Jim reveals that he and Amber receive death threats, and that Jim’s killer coping strategy is to become a lightning rod for Dina’s gaudy jewelry.
Melissa thinks that Jim should follow Joey’s example and just tweet flexing selfies, and that visual almost causes Jim to quit Twitter forever. We reflect back for the tenth time on Jim’s behavior at the First Responding Stripper party, and the conclusion is reached that Dina is just plain dumb. Jim and Teresssa fight over who gets to dance on Teresa’s grave.
The chintzy Florida trip is remembered, and the Gorga/Ciasulli cuddle scene brings warm chuckles from Bobby and horrified cringes from Nicole. A viewer accuses Bobby of being gay, and the entire cast knowingly snickers and assures Bobby that they think that’s just swell. Jim is voted the most scrumptious gator bait as a segue to bringing up the now officially overdone Motherfu**ergate morsel. Jim slyly grins as he fondly remembers sending Bobby skittering to the bathroom, and Nicole is peeved at his obvious delight. Jim and Amber explain that they meant it as a drunken joke, which they thought fit in nicely with all of the penis and vagina banter that was being blasted around all night. Teresssa isn’t laughing, and the same sad face that I noticed all season is back…just sayin’. Teresssa describes Rino’s goofy character by calling him the pig that he is, and compliments Dina for uncharacteristically having a brain. Rino asserts that Victoria Gotti is a liar and is insulted that she is spreading the nasty rumor that he is ever sober. Teresssa forcefully contends that she could have beaten prison to the punch, and destroyed the Giudice family, and Teresa counters by asking her why she is waving her arms and flinging her extensions if it’s just a silly lie.
Rino is glad that he wasn’t at the Florida fiasco because he is a fierce protector, especially when he’s absent. The Joe Twins in the left rear react to that by laughing, and I am starting to think that Jim’s addiction has kicked in, and he is tweeting them one liners. Jim loses patience and blasts Rino and Bobby for being cowardly clucks and points the way to Bobby’s designated safe place, just behind the glittery backdrop. Rino informs us that he truly is a mighty warrior who wasn’t hiding, just sorta terrified of filming with Jim. We get a glimpse of Bobby’s shining moment when he called Nicole stupid, and Bobby boldly refutes this by saying oh whoops…well OK, just a little stupid. He defends his lengthy hideout in the bathroom by explaining that he was tapping into his feminine side, and needed some alone time. Jim nails Dina to the wall by accusing her of taking the rumor seriously, and also shares his revulsion at the women’s treatment of Amber thru the weathering of her cancer scare. Teresa explains that Bobby and Jim’s breakup was just like she and Jacqueline’s, just with pants. Joe can hardly contain his laughter throughout the whole exchange, and entertains the back row of men with seemingly tipsy zingers.
It is determined that the bromance between Bobby and Jim is officially over, and Jim emotionally responds with a cute smirk. Teresssa believes in karma for Teresa, and rather than bore us with her legal expert analysis about their case, she concludes that this cast of the Wizard of Oz is too much to bear, and she just wants a house to fall from the sky and crush Teresa already. Teresssa rants about Teresa throwing her parents under the bus for one last time, and adjusts her toga in disgust. Andy asks them all what they have learned from this crapfest of a season, and Teressssa starts us off by sharing that alcohol makes you drunk in front of people. Nicole has learned to only care about what’s real, and Amber has learned that she looks stupid crying in white eye liner. Melissa has learned that little things don’t matter, and that Antonia was right about their disgusting little house.
Dina has learned that she should have kept her soul and butt off TV, and I sincerely hope that this truth sticks. Teresa is sorry that she has let down her fans, but reminds us that her cookbook is on Amazon and makes the perfect stocking stuffer. She informs us that she and Joe are human and have human children who she wishes could hang out in the slammer with her. Andy is planning to come visit and is fighting the tears as we all fondly watch that darling greatest hits reel of Teresa antics one last time. Teresa throws in one last plug for her new cooking show, “Flippin’ Tables with Tre”, then bids farewell with a hand squeeze and a reassuring smile from Andy. Didn’t Geraldo interview from the Big House? Andy is looking more like him by the minute. See you all out west! I’m heading to where the REAL money is…Beverly Hills!