Here we gooooo..it’s part two of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and Bravo kicks off the show with a blast from the past giggle for all us viewers. We are treated to a flashback of Teresa’s old persona…you know…the flat chested version whose favorite hobby was spending stolen money. I barely recognize her anymore…because the petty stuff doesn’t matter to her, and priorities such as cleavage and fistfuls of cash are a thing of the past. Much of the cast looks as if they are trying to fix their minds on visuals such as murdered puppies, to keep from breaking out in uproarious laughter. Teresa expresses frustration that coming on the show for a good time wasn’t supposed to land her in the slammer, and she is feeling gypped.
We flash back to the good ol days with Kim G, Kim D, Danielle, and of all the other gals who can claim a shred of credit for the careening Teresa downfall. Teresa lovingly warns the other women whom she is preparing to leave behind, to watch out for interlopers invited by Bravo, who can bring on an irresistible cravings to flip tables and shove reunion hosts. Sympathetic condolences are extended to Joe for the unexpected loss of his father, which has triggered Joe to habits such as “dazing off” and drinking like a fish…which I am guessing occurs right before the “dazing off.” We continue down memory lane with the Giudice children and relive Milania’s Greatest Hits of horrifying moments, Gia’s most memorable eye rolls, and the obvious background reality of the sweaty wads of money that it took to maintain the four overindulged Giudice divas.
Andy asks Joe if he blames himself for the legal nightmare, and he responds with a confident, “well yeah, you know.” We flash back on the dramatically funereal October sentencing day, and Teresa explains that she basically didn’t even know what state she was in. Teresssa tells Teresa that among all of the imprisoned Italians she knows, her heart breaks for her most, but it instantly heals every time she remembers her pal, Vicky Gotti. Nicole schools Teresa about the importance of listening to “‘torneys,” while Teresa defends herself by clarifying that she just didn’t understand exactly which “T” she was crossing. Andy reads a statement by Judge Salas spoken in court to Teresa about her ‘getting it’ and Teresa assures us that YES, she absolutely does, except for that still confusing and unanswered question as to why she has to miss Milania’s February birthday party.
We are reminded of Rino and Teresssa’s love story, breakup, divorce, long separation, and remarriage and how he looks in extremely disturbing bikini underwear. Teresssa admits that she is either really smart or really dumb (I vote dumb) for remarrying someone who wears frightening bottoms like that. Teresssa emphatically asserts that when they were apart, Rino dated YOUNG strippers…hear that? Young…NOT OLD… and sort of related was just not at ALL his type.
We learn briefly about Nicole’s past marriage and breakup, and her current TV love interest, Bobby Ciasulli is introduced. They claim to have been together a year and a half, and Nicole thinks that she expects an engagement ring…and that’s a definite for sure if they are picked up by Bravo for another season. Andy practically quotes All About the Tea when he questions Bobby’s fake, middle class image, and Amber indicates that Nicole just doesn’t do middle class. Teresa lovingly comments that the twins remind her of her old self, except with ginormous flotation devices strapped to their chests…forgetting that she earlier defined her old self as being a frivolous ninny. Nicole assures us that Bobby is heterosexual, while we fondly remember that touching vacation moment when he jumped Joey Gorga, and planted a big wet one on him.
The show returns from a break, and the rest of the men have taken their seats in the Bravo bleachers. Rino, Bobby and the breakout star of the season, Jim Marchese have arrived, and Amber kicks things off by announcing that her dreamboat hubby has an a**hole problem, which incites spontaneous cast applause. They go back and forth about law degrees, income, silver spoons, Twitter addictions, and general disdain for Jim. We relive the traumatic moment at the stripper themed, First Responders party, and Amber’s hair yank, which was what triggered Jim’s transformation from a lil’ cutie pie to a scorched earth, defender beast.
Amber and Nicole drearily argue about whether or not Nicole is a homewrecker, and Amber rats out Bobby for spilling his true feelings to her that he really just wanted a couple of glazed, not a trashy girlfriend. Nicole responds by adjusting her breasts in her dress, and realigning her back arch. Amber continues by remarking that if Bravo had shot down Bobby’s Mr. Sexy bio submission, he was planning to run like the wind so fast that Nicole would be left spinning like a top on her Dunkin Donuts stool.
Jim whips out a file of Bobby’s most treasured Housewife Groupie photos, and nails him as a fame whore. Bobby argues that he was just in the neighborhood and happened to run into five different “Housewives.” The brawl and arguable ambush on Amber’s hair is rehashed, and Dina opens up a can of that failed creative genius she’s famous for and labels Jim a “mangina.”
Joey gets furious with Jim for reminding him of the vile names that he called his own sister, while Joe chuckles in the background and…. CUT. One more week to go…hang in there with me!