Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Secrets Revealed

Posted on Oct 27 2014 - 7:29am by BeachSpin

RHONJ

Whelp…I guess my work is not yet done…it’s “Secrets Revealed” week on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and I’m a little frightened, considering the seedy info that has already been uncovered.  We are flashing back to a kinder and simpler time in Housewives Jersey…pre Motherf*cker Gate, and before Bravo’s favorite office art piece ‘The Clump’ was even an inspiration.  The wives are headed out for a girls weekend to Atlantic City, and it’s going to be a laughter filled chick fest. The entire first chunk of this episode should have stayed a secret…all of the women are surfing the crimson wave…YAAAYYY!   The female coincidence brings delighted squeals and amused moans, and uber girlie bonding occurs.  They are all thrilled to announce to all of America that they are not yet in menopause..CONGRATS to all!  We see them pouring themselves into their trashiest JLo wear, and Teresa is decked out in the most hideous shoe boots I have ever seen.  They hit a restaurant, and Amber is ready to tie one on. We are introduced to her Russian hooker alter ego, Alanna, and I am trying not to let my imagination wander too far. I like Jim, but not THAT much. Amber is proclaimed a Housewife gone wild, but at least she’s fun, and honest.

RHONJ

Next we find ourselves at the Giudice mansion and Joe is in charge of taking care of the girls for the weekend.  Teresa reminds us that he can handle making hamburgers….notice the caregiver competence everyone!  Milania jumps on the phone to call her mama, and the camera zooms in on Teresa’s cookbook propped up carefully in perfect camera position.  We are reminded that Milania is high maintenance and cute… and all of that rascally darlingness seems to nauseate Gia and Gabriella. She takes after Teresa and Joe, which comes as absolutely no surprise. 

Back in Atlantic City, the gals are getting ready to gamble, and everyone but the twins hits the casino. The twins are miffed that no one understands that ghetto beauty takes time, and express that they are peeved to be left behind. Amber thinks that they are overly intense, and storms off to bang her head against a slot machine.

Back at the Giudices, it’s time to pick up dog poop, eat popcorn, and acutely observe Joe possibly being sober.

The women head to their burlesque lesson and all I can think of is sister housewife Brandi Glanville and her sidekick pal, Tampon String.  I am hoping for the best, but I’m inwardly cringing. Teresssa is deeply threatened by Melissa’s well known stripper prowess…but no worries, becauseMelissa hides her inner bad girl and overcompensates by dancing like Elaine on Seinfeld. We are back in the suite, eating sweets, and reflecting back on the first encounters between the women.  Dina is labeled as a boring ice princess…NAILED that. It’s worth mentioning that Teresssa’s hair in her talking heads looks like it was done by Milania on her worst low maintenance day. Teresssa is shoved into a life sized cannoli costume at her husband’s restaurant and it is the most flattering outfit she has worn all season.

RHONJ Secerets Revealed

The Marcheses, Nicole and Bobby are on a double dinner date back in the day when Jim and Bobby were bosom buddies. Bobby blathers an adolescent toast, and we hear all about what turns him on.  It makes me shudder…and I don’t think that was the effect Mr. Sexy was going for.

Dina, Teresa, and Kathy are meeting for lunch, and Kathy asks Teresa if she would write a blurb for the back of her soon to be released cookbook.  Teresa doesn’t know what p-o-r-t-a-b-l-e means so she comes armed with large and clunky dictionary, ready to give Kathy a piece of her mind about the tongue in cheek, but oh so appropriate gift of words that Kathy gave her at a family Christmas dinner.  It was a snarky but somewhat brilliant choice by Kathy.  Kathy reminds her that it was a lighthearted joke and that it’s a compliment to ask her her write a b-l-u-r-b for her book.  Teresa decides that the pocket sized gift of vocab makes it simply impossible for her to dictate a few correctly spelled words of support for her cousin.  Teresa whips out her clever and much mirror rehearsed line exclaiming that ‘bitch’ is spelled K-a-t-h-y.  She looks proud to have pulled that off.  Isn’t felon spelled T-e-r-e-s-a?  I believe that is c-o-r-r-e-c-t.

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I am a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. My bio is short, but my snark is endless, and I love writing for the sharpest posters in the world. Follow me on Facebook

  • Great recap Beach! I’m so over RHONJ and can’t wait for RHOA to start. Normally the secrets revealed episode is more interesting than the stuff we’re shown all season. I can’t say the same about this one. And Teresa is such a bitch. She made up this dictionary friction just so she could get out of writing a blurb in Kathy’s book. No one can be successful besides her.

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks Grinchy…this episode was a snooze. Teresa’s lounge lizard outfit was entertaining at least.

  • DLister

    Dina was very uncomfortable in that dictionary scene.

    • MorningYawn

      I thought that was hilarious! Made the scene for me!

    • Hi DLister.. I saw that but she just had to be there to support her friend. Puleeeese!

  • Both Teresa and Kathy are FOS. The end. God is this show over yet?

  • Jersey

    Thanks for the recap. :0)
    I remember hearing a while ago that one of the wives was very drunk in AC and did/said some things that her hubby wasn’t happy about and so he threatened Bravo to cut it.. I definitely think that person was Amber now. I couldn’t get over how two faced those twins are, all the slick comments made behind everyone’s back but they talk about how much friendship means to them.. pfft

    • Hi Jersey! Yes, I heard the same thing about AC. From what was shown last night, Amber didn’t say anything that outrageous imo. The twins are very two-faced.

      • prycer

        Supposedly Jim threaten to sue Bravo if they aired what Amber said while drunk in Atlantic City. On another site they stated Amber said she wears a strap on for Jim.

        • I didn’t hear Amber say that tho. Oh well, I’m glad this season is over. People get too emotionally charged over a freaking show.

          • prycer

            You didn’t hear it because it’s a possibility that it was edited out. If the other site was correct than that’s what happen.

    • BeachSpin

      YW Jersey! Maybe exposing Alanna wasn’t part of the contract? I think the more cut out of this train wreck of a show, the better.

  • chacha1

    You missed mentioning something that disgusted me and maybe I did not hear right, but didn’t Dina go into the bathroom while Treape was making orange handprints on the wall and say to Treape “Please flush the bowl next time” Do you mean that smelly fat azzed Teresa does not flush the toilet when she does her business …. and again the Liar Teresa told another lie, she tries to convince everyone, even the judge, that she is so so nice yet she took the best shot again at Kathy by calling her a bitch … and didn’t that criminal Treape once make snarky references to Caroline and others in her cookbook but passed it off as a “joke, ha ha joke”

    • RealitytvJunkie

      Yes, I saw that as well. Dina said please flush. I thought that was very nasty because they all said are suppose to be on their cycle. YUCK! I see why Bravo didn’t show Teresa attacking Kathy, they only wanted to show her in the best light.

    • Hey Chacha…..Both Teresa and Dina are nasty women with filthy mouths. Teresa used the dictionary as an excuse to not write the blurb. And in hindsight it was the best thing for Kathy. Teresa is a convicted felon and on her way to prison, it was a blessings she didn’t endorse Kathy’s book.

      • TartLemon

        I didn’t get the point Teresa was trying to make with the dictionary. Being an author, if she didn’t know what “blurb” meant, it only solidified the point. Teresa’s only complete cohesive sentences during that whole scene was when she read from the dictionary.

        I liked that Kathy stood up to Teresa. The look of surprise on Teresa’s face was priceless. “Yeah well you know whatever” Mensa’s calling because they need the meeting venue cleaned, Teresa.

        • Mensa called and they needed someone to clean the venue….hahahaha!!! That’s priceless.

        • prycer

          That was Teresa’s attempt to be “snarky” towards Kathy. I thought from last season the gift exchange were Secret Santa Claus gifts and Kathy had no idea who was going to get the dictionary.

          • Good point!!!

          • BeachSpin

            Let’s face it…MANY of them could use it! 🙂

        • michey

          I really loved Kathy not backing down from Teresa!

      • chacha1

        Hey HG 🙂 ITA

    • Chloe

      I caught that “didn’t flush” also. I was disgusted and thought to myself, is this how she teaches her girls to be clean young ladies.

  • chacha1

    One thing for sure, Kathy is a bonefide moron for shedding one tear for that asshole Teresa

    • TartLemon

      Kathy is one of my favorites. Time for her to cut some ties, though. Got my own experiences of finally realizing I needed to do that. Been the most peaceful 10 years of my life so far.

      • Yolie

        Kathy loves from the heart and never gives up on family. Too bad Teresa doesn’t feel the same. She treats Kathy like a stranger. Constantly, putting her down to make herself look better.

      • prycer

        Mine has been 20 years and it’s been the best thing that I ever did for myself. Peace of mind is key.

      • I like Kathy also. She has the only normal family on the show.

      • michey

        I like Kathy too! As much as she wants to make things right with Teresa she needs to move on and she will be much happier. Teresa doesn’t care about anyone

    • Kathy wants to mend things with her cousin but that’s not on Teresa’s agenda. To think she was going through all that legal mess and she has time and energy to fight with Kathy.

      • chacha1

        Over a dictionary which Teresa desperatly needs…. Teresa can dish it out and slam and make fun of everyone but no one better do it to her

      • michey

        And fight over a stupid dictionary from months ago that was a gag gift!

  • TartLemon

    I thought it was funny the rules for Teresa’s prison. Like “no sex among inmates”. Now, to me, that’s pretty telling when the rule is front and center like that. Apparently there’s LOTS of sex (and attempts at) going on between the inmates.

  • Chloe

    Thanks for doing a recap on this. I think Bravo should have kept these scenes a secret. We learned nothing new about the ladies. If anything, I was repulsed by all the period talk.

    • BeachSpin

      YW….and seriously! Bravo’s too dumb to know that the curse needs to stay hidden…lol. I think I was 15 the last time I heard so much yammer about it.

    • chacha1

      we did find out from watching the show that Teresa does not flush the toilet after her stank ass uses it ….. she is a mean filthy felon

      • Chloe

        Aren’t we lucky.

    • I love your Icon <3

  • Dave

    Is Teresa ever embarrassed by Millania’s behavior? She seems like such a wild child with zero respect or manners towards her sisters, parents, pretty much everyone. Her parents seem to laugh off her behavior and almost feel a sense of pride about it.

    • michey

      Milania’s behavior is really just a mirror of her parents. She is just like them

      • Dave

        That’s what they both said last night. It’s unfortunate, we’re looking at a mini Teresa and Joe. The future is bleak.

    • Bravo Changed

      The sad part is the Fraudices so blatantly favor Milania and laugh at her disrespectful behavior to not only other adults but her sisters. Gia and Gabriella look miserable meanwhile Milania, who behaves disgustingly, is kissed, hugged and adored by her FelonFather. The Fraudices should spend less time looking down and stealing from others and more time reexamining themselves. They are the bottom of the barrel.

  • michey

    Let me first say I heard nothing at all about a strap on so there’s that.

    • chacha1

      I think Amba said Jim puts apparatus up her private parts

  • michey

    Teressssa who doesn’t repeat gossip made sure to say she heard Melissa was a stripper.

    • EXACTLY!!!

    • Bravo Changed

      Melissa lost all respect from me and I had a lot for her too. Those stripper/cheater/baby daddy/shit DIL/SIL rumors were the only thing interesting about her. Her choosing to gravel to the same woman who spent an entire season having her friend(s) say she is a stripper, cheater, her 3rd kid is her ex’s and that she doesn’t support her sick in-laws shows not only how much of a coward she is (Danielle Staub 2.0) but makes it appear like the rumors are true. Season 5 stopped filming Spring 2013 and filming Season 6 began Fall 2013. How can you not only forgive someone who did all of the above to you but become best friends and a blind supporter of her too? AT least Kathy has integrity and holds her ground.

      • michey

        I totally agree with you!

      • Birdie11

        All Melissa cares about on this crap show is tossing her hair, pouting her lips, and dancing around to shake her junk for the camera. She is such a one note bore.

  • michey

    After watching this season and also reading twitter I am sure Jim is the husband that threatened to sue Bravo. After all he wants to sue the whole world on twitter

    • RealitytvJunkie

      Yes! It’s Jim.

  • chacha1

    Nice for the Marchese children to know that their father Jim puts “apparatus” up Amba’s/Alana’s azz .. a Hallmark Moment and the children will never be able to unring that bell, just like the Guidice Dawders have to go thru life knowing their father called their mother a CU*T and a bitch on TV and also they talk about cock rings and dick breath and BJ’s ….

    • Bravo Changed

      Apples and Oranges. Amber aluded to it. Never said it directly. She doesn’t show sex toys on TV, get naked with her husband in a bathtub, ask her children questions about the birds & the bees on camera, condone her husband calling her wife a “bitch” and “cunt” on TV, etc. Teresa is in a league of her own.

      • chacha1

        True

  • chacha1

    Does anyone in New Jersey have any class …. I didn’t think so … skanks raising skanks

    • In New Jersey

      Yes, actually there are many of us who are not skanks raising skanks.

      • chacha1

        good to know … !!!!

  • This is like my cousin’s lamb comps song but this is “The show that doesn’t end”. It seem to go on and on my friend….some people..started watching it..not knowing what it was…and will continuing watching it forever just because…well you know the rest…Also Great Review….I just wish bravo would do the reunion and move on with Atlanta already lol.

    • BeachSpin

      Yeah it’s time to start dumping on a more interesting bunch of wives.

  • RonnieIsBack

    Great recap Beach!
    Kathy better be glad that felon did not write the blurb on the back of her book…#GodWorksInMysteriousWays
    Just reinforced my theory that Bobby is truly a MITCH = Male Bitch (lame azz)
    How do you sell out a 10 year friendship for a piece of azz that you are not going to put a ring on it? #Loser If he thinks Jim is a jerk, he didn’t just become a jerk..he has known him for 10 YEARS AND IT DIDN’T MATTER THEN…#Fakeazz
    I like The Ambuh and she was wearing that bondage dress–and nailed Gonzo as the Ice Princess (you’re no queen). You are still waiting for your cot dayum prince. Elsa would NEVER be so thirsty for love – Let It Go
    I want to know what secrets were revealed…thank Gawd there is not a Part 2…bring on the reunion…

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks Ronnie!! PLEASE no more drivel, let’s get to reunion dirt! YES.

  • RonnieIsBack

    Why is Milania ALWAYS COOKING?

    • Fabilicious Jr…..by Milania Giudice, coming to store near you.