Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Countdown To Meltdown [Florida Part 1]

Posted on Sep 22 2014 - 1:24am by BeachSpin

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Ahhh….New Jersey…the place where dirty housewives collide with boring ones…where shameless felons cross paths with the halfway innocent, and pretend they are friends. Let’s see what the gang is up to this week, shall we? This week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” begins with the gal pals in the airport getting ready to board the plane for Florida. Nicole wants to feel the sun on her boobs… her articulation is charming, as usual. Melissa laments that shoveling snow isn’t her thing, ummm, yes, unless she wants to show off her latest (tags on) snow bunny attire to America. Terehssa shares that the men are coming later, and that women need their ash-togen moments, and that men need their testosterone moments. I believe that her husband has had enough of those moments to last a lifetime. They arrive, jump in their van, pop the bubbly, and toast to Teresa not being there, except lovingly in their thoughts. Sure. They arrive at their Boca Raton mansion, jump out of the van, and squeal perceptively that there’s no snow. Dina already looks like she has been baking on the beach for a week.

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Back in New Jersey, Teresa and Gia are house hunting, because the Giudices’ have been just kicking around the thought of downsizing. The days of their frivolous materialism are gone with wind, and Teresa’s evolution has enabled her to conceptualize the idea of living in a previously occupied palace. Teresa babbles to Gia about the bidet, and Gia seems bored, as I would be. The quack realtor suggests pricing her home at $4 million, and buying this place at $1.4 million. He says it with a straight face, but he looks nervous. We flash back to the tackiest Giudice party ever, and Teresa assures us that downsizing to a smaller gaudy mansion is a-ok with her.

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Things take a serious turn when we find ourselves at Amber’s doctor’s office, to follow-up on some inconclusive testing regarding her past bout with breast cancer.  Amber is understandably worried. While Amber has provided plenty of snarkworthy material in past episodes, I refuse to touch this one. Breast cancer survivors are all different, and any way a woman chooses to fight and cope is just fine with me.

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Next, a blast from the past…Jacqueline is back, and is welcoming Kathy for a visit. Nicholas is interacting sweetly with his therapist, and Jaq catches us up on his progress. We see some past struggles, and it’s great to see Nicholas doing so much better. Kudos to Jacqueline for working so hard to help her son. It is also apparent that Jacqueline has had a struggle of her own, on the scale. She admits this light heartedly, but my guess is that she isn’t going to be too thrilled to see herself, on camera, scarfing a dessert.

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We are now lounging by the pool in Boca, and the women all take turns drooling over the pool boy, which is embarrassing. Nicole takes a long time ordering her drink, while she rubs oil on her implants, keeping true to her classless self. Terehssa announces that Rino WOWS her every day. Ahem…I’ll bet. She and her sissy simply don’t have the same taste in men. I’ll leave that one alone.

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Dina launches into an explanation about sisters marrying husbands or brothers, and as usual, Dina bores me, and I tune her out. Melissa waves to a passing boatload of young folk, then leaps around like an awkward, stumpy ballerina, giving Bravo plenty of butt footage, which I suspect was her secret objective.

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Jacqueline and Kathy are discussing Teresa and her plight, and Jacqueline shares that she has reached out to Teresa with an offer of support, through a text. Their friendship is broken, and it seems that Jacqueline wants to mend fences.

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Kathy thinks that Jacqueline’s passion gets her into trouble. I think that ‘passion’ is a polite word. Jacqueline sounds like Solomon when she remarks that Teresa doesn’t like to admit to anything, and taking on guilt is a huge thing for her to do. Wait, has Teresa actually done that?? On paper maybe…but spoken? Ummm…NO. Teresa’s response is short, sweet, and probably insincere.

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The gals are grocery shopping, and the twins are babbling incessantly. Just go OUT to dinner already! Back at the Gorgas, Joe is babysitting his own children. Babysitting?!  UGH! Amber’s blood work comes back clean, and the doctor believes her prognosis is excellent. Great news.

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Kathy and Jacqueline take a field trip to Kathy and Rich’s new house, which is ACTUALLY BEING BUILT!  This is a rare occurrence on the “Housewives,” so I am happy for them. Jacqueline shares that they are selling their house, and downsizing, because apparently shifting priorities are quite the IN thing on this franchise. She could use downsizing in other areas. Breaking news…NONE of these women need a big house. Who knew?

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Back in Florida, the women are yammering in the van about past rumors, and I am beginning to doze off. The twins are blathering about rumor etiquette, and I guess they would be quite the experts by now. Dina is starting to feel bothered that she is keeping her trap shut about motherf*ckergate, and obviously, something is going to blow.  The women are in the kitchen cooking, and I wish the twins would jam a pepper in their mouths and shut up. Amber calls and shares the joyous news that she and the REAL star of the show, JIM, are headed down. Dina acts like she wants to vomit, and manages to gag out same fake words of happiness at the idea of their visit.

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Joe and Teresa discuss selling their house, going cheaper, and pocketing the profit. Dream on Joe. We are finally eating dinner in Boca, and I am hoping that full mouths will squelch the chatter. Melissa declares that she’s a happy drunk, and they are all sisters now, so I am giving up on that impossible dream. Tehressa gets word that Rino has decided not to come, because he doesn’t want to hang with Jim. Less YUCK is always good! Dina then decides to leave her zen back on the clearance shelf at Homegoods, and mutters to Terehssa about Amber having some vague rumor info involving her family. We all know what she’s talking about, but Terehssa pretends not to. Dina is peeved that Teresa has put her in this awkward position, apparently keeping her giant pie hole shut is simply impossible. Her intentions are all in the spirit of sisterhood, dontchaknow.

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We see the twins one last time, bleating about whether or not they want to admit that they actually do know what Miss Zen is babbling about. I guess we will have to wait until next week to see if the filthy truth is revealed in Florida. Until then…I am hitting the advil!

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About the Author

I am a coastal girl who loves the outdoors, and writing about the sneaky and silly side of reality TV. My bio is short, but my snark is endless, and I love writing for the sharpest posters in the world. Follow me on Facebook

  • I didn’t believe the rumor before, but after the way they behaved during the breaking up a family rumor, and then this, I do now. Dina is doing both a crappy job at being zen, and at advancing the storyline. The continuity with Jacqueline and Kathy’s scenes were ridiculous. They looked like they were filmed a month a go. Couldn’t they have used previous season’s footage of a winter scene? The house is the same. It just seems so sloppy, why do I expect anything else from something I hate watch?

    • twifan2

      We live in hope, ucanleadahorticulture! Either that or we’re in denial ourselves with this ‘crap fest?! 😀

  • TartLemon

    Has Bravo renewed Teresa’s contract? I hope not.

  • RonnieIsBack

    Great recap!
    Juicy thinking he will pocket profits….naw I think that goes towards restitution…
    Tre and Gia house hunting.on pooh nows we have to downsize to another mansion….please…I was just glad to see her with a lot less hair/extension and how shady Bravo was to show all that tackiness and her being skeeved to live in a used house.”swoory” crystals…..Brilliant.

    Glad The Ambuh is healthy. Jim really does support her, regardless of his zingers and popping off, you can tell he loves his wife…Cancer is nothing to joke about (my mom is a breast cancer survivor also so I get it)

    It was great to see Jacqs! She rambles even in text messages and Tre was like meh…what did she expect? To keep herself from saying “I cannot wait until they go to jail!” she shoves Kathy’s cupcakes in her mouth, bite after bite after bite.

    Nicole…Look.At.My.Boobs.

    Gonzo is uber Jealous of Melissa (awh she wants ta do is show off her bawdy). Bish if you were built like that you would too…the worse kind of bish is a lonely dried up one where all the life has left her eyes…Make up with your family already!
    the twins may not share the same taste in men, but their mudder does hehheheh
    Rubbing palms together for mudderphuckagate next week!

  • Jennymckitty

    Funniest part of the show…Dina trying to spill the tea and Teresssa not letting her. Poor Dina.

    • twifan2

      I guess Deenzer wasn’t a good student of Tre’s? :/
      Didn’t learn the ‘art’ of mud slinging from Tre too well! Maybe Deenzer didn’t show up for that class that day? :/

      • Jennymckitty

        I could just picture Dina’s “thought bubble” while she was trying to tackle Teresssa and hold her down long enough to get the words out….”look, this is my only shot at getting asked back next season..it is either this or I have to apologize to Caroline so she will take me back in.”

  • Jersey

    Funny recap! You had me giggling all the way through.
    I thought last night’s episode was so boring, I want to see next weeks episode. :p

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks Jersey! Gotta bring humor into this trash bunch! I love your avi…SO cute!

      • Jersey

        thanks :0)

  • WestCoastFeed

    Super recap, Beach. Thank you. I thought Teresa looked a lot better this week than she has in the past few episodes. As hard as it had to have been to stand before the judge and admit she was guilty, it had to have been a relief to have taken some action toward resolving it all.

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks West! I hope that we actually hear those words one day…although I’m not holding my breath.

  • Excellent recap, Beach. You captured the episode precisely.

    Teresa delayed putting her houses up for sale so she could stick it to Bravo – they might just stick it back since they are awaiting the sentencing next week before filming the reunion. It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if she doesn’t show up – hope they hold her paycheck until she does. And yes, Dina is a viciously little gossip to stir the pot with (twin) Teresa.

    • BeachSpin

      Thanks so much Doc! Oh wow…that would amp up reunion drama!! Andy throwing a hissy fit is always fun!

  • twifan2

    FUNNY recap Beach Spin! 😀
    I’m TRYING to plow thru the episode right now, but I can’t. I just can’t! It’s all too contrite!
    Tre & Juicy ‘being’ humble *ducks from lightening strikes* was nauseating!
    Deenzer, Melisswuss are snooze worthy!
    Your recap is so MUCH BETTER than the episode! 🙂

    • BeachSpin

      LOL and TY Twi! Who knew that such a deep level of classlessness could be such a SNOOZE!

  • WestCoastFeed

    Best part of the episode was Gabriella telling her mother that she was annoying. There’s the smartest Giudice kid.

  • murlut

    9 more days, it would be the most amazing birthday present for the Giudice Scum to be placed in handcuffs and carted out.

  • disqus_nx4MfF4kvy

    You omitted the picture of Joe making believe he actually knows what he’s talking about, and Theresa proclaiming what a business women she is now.