Below Deck Recap: Shut Your Porthole! [Episode 1]

Posted on Aug 13 2014 - 1:32pm by Wendy Owen

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If you’ve ever dreamed of chucking it all away and sailing (well, yachting) the briny sea (well, some inlets at some fancy pants tourist spots in the Caribbean) then this is the show for you! Take off your boat shoes – only bare feet allowed on this bucket – and climb aboard the Ohana!

Having seen last season is not de rigueur for enjoying this season, since so many of last year’s crew seems to have gone overboard. But, two of our favorites are back! The ever sexy chef Ben who has some strange Brit/Aussie/Kiwi accent thing going on — does it really matter? He’s not American and that’s all we need to know – and Kat, with a “K” as in konniption, as in the kind of fit she throws when she’s soused.  (Note, dear reader, don’t email me — I had to come up with a “k” word because “k” words are funny, and yes, I know conniption is actually with a “c” but that’s not funny is it? Ok?) Oh. Eddie — Who? Obviously, he didn’t get drunk or sleep with anyone last year, so I don’t remember him — has returned, and “The Captain is back!” as Toni Tennille liked to sing. He is not attractive, funny, nice, nor does he have a cute accent. He’s your basic dullard whose personality compensation to act snotty. That’s his job. Zzzzzzz. Oh! And driving the boat! I mean piloting! I mean yacht! (I’ll learn these yachtee terms if it kills me!)

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Being the first episode this season with so many new people, not much happened plot-wise to float my boat. 😉 Early odds on favorite to be the human turd of the crew this season is a boy name Andrew, who is under the delusion that he is a) sexy and b) smart. Mostly, he spent the episode flirting with the rich old lady who hired the boat, an over-weight, wrinkled southern women who claimed her favorite food was chicken tenders. Ah, the rich are different than you and I. When he wasn’t engaging in this nausea-inducing behavior, he seemed to be hiding to keep from having to work. This greatly annoyed Kelley, an ex-marine.  I’m taking odds now on how long before Kelley sends Andrew permanently below deck. 

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Kelley’s sister, Amy is a non-entity thus far, and can only be credited with convincing Kelley to work the on board. I think she’s a fancy waitress and house cleaner.  They keep calling her a “steward” – still a maid to me. We’ll see if she develops a personality any time in the near future, as her past seems to include a previous tour of duty with Kat and some sort of falling out.  Is that the odor of heavy-handed hinting in the air? 

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An early favorite would have to be Kate, the chief maid – sorry, steward. A beauty in her younger years, tells us when she starting being a chief maid, she had “a jaguar, a small dog – I was the Paris Hilton of my little beach town. I thought yachting would be a fun way to meet a rich husband.” Obviously, that hasn’t happened.  Oh, she also seems to know a few variations of the name Kate, and tells us she likes to be called “Kate” and is saving the use of “Katherine” for her later years. When? Next month?

Jennice is a female deckhand. This is supposed to be something special, but as far as I can tell, the deckhands are just the outside maids, as opposed the stewards who are the inside maids. Her personality is as flat as the deck, so look forward to many “humorous” shots of Jennice falling under the weight of any heavy object she has to handle in the future.

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First task was for Ben to take some of the crew grocery shopping. During this excursion, we learn that Andrew does not understand the request for low-end and high-end water. Now, I’m no yachtee, but I would imagine the low end might be the generically named cheapest-ass water on the shelf, and the high-end water would be the most expensive-ass water on the shelf. Andrew can’t seem to figure this out, so we now know he’s not only full of himself, but thick as two bricks. (Bricks don’t float, do they? He could be in trouble.)

Next, everyone has to clean the ship. This is boring so I’ll skip it. I guess we’ll have to suffer through the cleaning again this season, since unlike The “Real Housewives,” these people can’t go shop for Louboutins can they? Basically, the cleaning involves a lot of polishing and hiding dirty stuff in closets. 

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The captain makes a big deal of gathering everyone around to read them the “rules on charter.” Kate tells us in her confessional that she loves rules – prescient perhaps? First rule, no drinking on board or you get a ticket home. (Well, that went well last season, didn’t it? Especially since Kat, the drunkard of the crew is back again.) Second rule, don’t tell the captain, “It’s not my job” because that will also earn you a ticket home. (Kat points out that the captain seems to have a lot of tickets this season and wonders if he’s opened a travel agency.) Third rule – aw, shucks, I forget. It’s not like these rules are going to matter anyway!

The first guests of the season arrive and they make Paula Dean look like the Queen of Sophistication. Wrinkled from too much southern sun, and sagging from too many years and not enough plastic surgery, this party is hardly the type of people you want to be stuck on a boat with for a few days. Suffice it to say they were loud before they started drinking, hated the sushi, and got even louder after drinking. Ben the chef notes that their taste is all in their mouths. He’s “absolutely horrified” by their food requests, and frankly, so am I. If you’re rich, can’t you afford high-end frozen dinners instead of mixing some crap with zesty Italian salad dressing? Menopausal Georgia, the “lady” who hired the party boat, spends her time talking about Andrew, who is young – 25 – but about as charming as a flounder. Is being serviced by the crew included in the price? I’ll have to check the captain’s rules on that one. The captain squashes the budding romance though, and Andrew tells us in his confessional that they will all regret the lower tip they’re going to get at the end because he wasn’t allowed to play hide the salami with Grandma.

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In between doing nothing, Andrew figures out how to open the porthole, and since his cabin is “Below Deck” as the title of the show implies, he doesn’t seem to realize how much water will get in the boat. Everyone gets involved in his faux pas, and cleans up the water. Like the corporal in “Apocalypse Now” who keeps saying “Never get outta the boat!” Andrew keeps repeating “Never open the porthole!” Hence, the title for this episode, “Shut the porthole!” Clever, huh?

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Que sera, sera! Now that the opener is out of the way, we can only hope Kat starts drinking and getting naked, and Ben bangs Kate, and Kelley beats the crap outta Andrew.  Tune in next week, kids!

 

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I'm so fugly, the Dr slapped my mother when I was born. If you love me here - and who wouldn't, frankly? - you can follow my Twitter Time Line @WBVT_98FM and see just how many people I can offend on any particular day. <3

  • twifan2

    I can feel the salty breeze on my face! 🙂
    Excellent recap, Wendy! Thanks! 🙂

    • Paulette Revere ॐ

      Aye, Matey Twifan2! I’m still picking’ the seaweed outta me teeth!

      • twifan2

        Seaweed good for you!
        They make ice cream out of seaweed! 🙂

        • Wendy Owen

          Yes, they do. That’s the kind of ice cream I don’t buy! Guar gum! You ain’t fooling’ me with no “guar gum!”

          • twifan2

            Hey put lots of RUM sauce on it & it’s AWESOME! ;D

          • noarguingwithstupid

            Lots of rum on that boat!!!! Never heard of that much rum, except maybe pirates of the Carib!!!

          • Wendy Owen

            Yo ho ho! (Does this mean I have to wear a puffy shirt to watch this sow?)

          • noarguingwithstupid

            Very puffy, very Seinfeld!!!!!!

          • Wendy Owen

            I haven’t had one of those in 20 years! Off to the flea market1

  • Awesome recap Wendy!!
    This show ROCKS!!! I love Ben and the new crew members as well. The captain is stern and no nonsense, I like him too. Andrew flirting with the grandma’s was great!

    • Paulette Revere ॐ

      Doc, I was about to hurl on that one! Since we usually saw grandma sitting, we can safely assume it’s dangerous for her to walk as she might trip on something, if you know what I mean? 😉

      • OMG! YES!!! So is Andrew a male gigolo? He seemed so comfortable in the role of flirting with granny. Obviously that was not his first time doing that. Ben’s face at the grill in the above pic says it all. LMAO!!

        • noarguingwithstupid

          Andrew will be a great addition and dolt to the crew!!! God help the Captain!!!

          • Don’t ya just love the handsome stern captain?

        • Wendy Owen

          I’m thinkin……yes! Either that, or he watched Midnight Cowboy and is thinking of changing careers.

  • noarguingwithstupid

    I would love to know who cooks for the staff and what do they eat, if they don’t eat what the chef cooks???????? Does anyone know?????

    • twifan2

      I think what ever is left over-if any.
      If none, then they cook for themselves.

      • noarguingwithstupid

        What do you think that is though?? Tacos? Sammiches??? I doubt if there are many left overs with those piggy guests!!!

        • twifan2

          Sammiches, mostly. Crackers, tin stuff. Ramen noodles, easy stuff.

    • Paulette Revere ॐ

      I believe it’s the same cook as the one who made all the fold in Oliver! The Musical. “Please, Sir, may I have some more?”

      • noarguingwithstupid

        Good one!!!

        • Wendy Owen

          thx! <3

      • Wendy Owen

        ooops! FOOD not FOLD! “I’m smart! I can handle things!” 😉

  • WestCoastFeed

    Thanks, Wendy. This sounds like a show I will try. Your recap makes it sound very inviting.

    • It’s an awesome show. I think you would like it a lot, West.

      • twifan2

        One of Bravo’s better shows-imo! 🙂

    • Paulette Revere ॐ

      Thanks so much, Westie! (May I call you Westie?) It’s so much more than a three-hour tour! I think you’re gonna LOVE this BOAT! 🙂

    • noarguingwithstupid

      West, try to get last season’s episodes!!!! It’s a good way to kill a day and laugh!!!

  • Paulette Revere ॐ

    Not sure why it’s posting as my old twitter name, but HEY YOU ALL! It’s Wendy Owen!

    • twifan2

      AHOY Wendy! 🙂
      Thanks for a great recap!!!

  • Wendy Owen

    Ah, there we go! Changed my Disquis profile name. Ain’t I the smarty pants?

  • I love this show great recap! Just looking at the boat and the islands is so enjoyable. They cast Andrew well as the immature rookie who would annoy all the professionals. I thought the guests were cute, they were just unfussy down-home people who wanted to get wasted and eat junk food, no airs or pretending to be something they weren’t. They were trashy but they knew how to have a good time and that’s more important in my book. I enjoy an in-n-out burger and a modelo beer as much as I do filet mignon and vintage french wine truth be told.
    Kate seems like she’s had a harsh life. Her hair has certainly had a harsh life, it’s like she brings her hairdresser a picture of Courtney Stodden. Hmmm wonder why she hasn’t bagged her “rich husband” that will take her from below deck to a stateroom?

    I like the Marine, Kelley, he seems very serious and dedicated. If you aren’t that way when you are out at sea, bad things happen.

    • Wendy Owen

      I would just love to know how much it costs to charter this boat! Last year, the tips were in the $10K range, so how much did it cost just for the boat??? These down home folks gots to be loaded! 🙂

      • If it was outside of a reality show it would be in the 100s of thousands. I remember hearing chatter that Bravo didn’t want to comp the guests so they were trying to get them to pay as much of the retail price as possible. My man and I have a dream trip we are trying go make happen one day to sail from Croatia to the Aegean but nothing luxurious like on this show. Even on a no-frills sailboat where we would have to help out with the work of sailing it would cost a good 30-40k USD for the two of us. I grew up by the water so I love the sea, hard to believe I could buy a nice reliable car for a 10 day experience, but I think it would be worth it. We could all die tomorrow right?
        So yeah, those good old folks must have some oil wells pumping somewhere to afford that trip.

        • Wendy Owen

          Oy! That’s too much, isn’t it? Jeepers!

          • Sailing/boating is a rich man’s hobby for sure. I like to get my fix by renting boats on airbnb, the conversations you hear around the marina from the yacht owners just blow your mind. Those people really live in a world apart.

          • Wendy Owen

            Boy, you said it! And did you see the shape of that ship? Looked like paint was chipped.

    • noarguingwithstupid

      I betcha Kelley will do some changin!!!!!

  • noarguingwithstupid

    I personally loved the woman who liked chicken fingers!!!!!! And when she said “no dots on the plate” I lol!!!!

    • Me too, I want to party with her!

      • Wendy Owen

        But the DOTS are the best part! Criminy! 😉

  • nan/4

    Ot. Sorry. Aww. Sad news. Edith Flagg, grandmother of Josh Flagg (MDL-LA) died today. She was 94 years old, a very sweet lady and an inspiration. May she Rest in Peace.

  • noarguingwithstupid

    Why in the world would the Captain of this monster ship have Kat on it again!!! She needs rehab, not another vacay!!!

    • Yes! Have you noticed Kat has a British accent this season? What’s up with that? And I miss mean lady from last season that was their manager.

      • noarguingwithstupid

        It’s supposed to be a Rhode Island accent and it gets just so annoying. I miss the mean one too!!!! She was just so tightly wound!!!!!

        • Oh is that what her accent is suppose to be? But she didn’t have it last season. That’s so odd. And the mean one was hysterical (to me). Perfect for TV.

      • Yes! Sometimes she does sound like she has a British accent.

        • If that is suppose to be a Rhode Island accent it’s none that I’ve ever heard.

      • Wendy Owen

        My eagle eyes noticed the mean lady from last season will show up at some point this season! Can’t wait!

      • Jennymckitty

        I think that Kat occasionally imitates Ben’s accent when she is talking to him.

    • I have a suspicion that Production casting chose both Captain Lee and Kat. She’s entertaining TV though right? It wouldn’t be so fun watching a bunch of mature professional boat staff would it? If I had the scratch for a white boat charter I would be pretty pissed to have screechy drunken staff.

      • noarguingwithstupid

        Kat just seemed so loud!!!!!! Are the boats that big that no one could hear her howls?????/

      • Kat does bring the drama indeed and the captain runs a tight ship!

    • RonnieIsBack

      Ratings…folks liked that drunk heaux

  • noarguingwithstupid

    Everytime Ben would cook a great meal, I would get hungry!!!!! Love to have some of his recipes for any of the stuff he cooked!!

    • You can tell he’s a real gourmet, high quality chef. His food looks exquisite.

      • Yes! If I took a charter with him as the chef they could use me as a buoy by the last day.

        • Wendy Owen

          Oh, Chef, my Chef!

  • Vince Foster, Jr.

    Is it me or did the charter only last a day or two?

    • Wendy Owen

      No, not you! I think they charge by the day! 🙂
      “A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour….”

  • Norrth

    I actually like this crew, for now. Kat doesn’t bother me nearly as much, this year.

    • Wendy Owen

      Yes, she does seem subdued thus far. We can only hope the crazy will appear soon. 🙂 Fav moment last year – her falling down in the parking lot!

  • nan/4

    I LOVE this show! I think that it’s going to be an interesting season. That Andrew really gets on my nerves already! I like Kate, and think that she and the chef are going to have a “thing.” The people who were on this cruise were hysterical!!!! The woman who liked Andrew (yuk) was hysterical, and what she was doing with the captain. LOL! SO FUNNY! I’m certainly looking forward to tuning in. NO SCREAMING HOUSEWIVES!!!!!! YAHOOOOO! 🙂

    • Wendy Owen

      Oh, Andrew is going to be a pip!!! I’m refraining my using my full arsenal to describe him for future blogs! 🙂

      • nan/4

        LOL!

        Nice to “see” you, Wendy! Take care….:-)

        • Wendy Owen

          Thx, Nan! Hope you’ come aboard next week, matey! 🙂

  • TartLemon

    Who makes the final decision on hiring the crew? The Captain or the charter company?

    • Jennymckitty

      I believe in real life the Captain. On this show, Bravo.

    • Wendy Owen

      Interesting question, Lemon! Here’s the boat’s website, and I’ll dig around for an answer…. http://www.superyachts.com/yacht-charter/ohana-1171/

      • Wendy Owen

        Woooheeee! From $140,000 per week to cruise the Caribbean! http://www.superyachts.com/yacht-charter/ohana-1171/

        • Wendy Owen

          What do crews normally consist of?

          Nearly all superyachts these days are accompanied by an expert crew familiar with the yacht and the waters in which it sails in. Crews can range anywhere upwards of two people, although there are rarely more than 50. Superyachts equipped with larger crews often include deck crew, interior crew, and those in specialty roles.

          Deck crew can consist of captain, first mate, boson and deckhand who are responsible for navigation and sailing, tenders, preparation and operation of water toys. They also take care of the exterior of the yacht, ensuring it is well-kept at all times. Often there is an engineer who has the important role of ensuring the mechanics of the yacht continue to run smoothly at all times, and deal with any technical problems onboard. The interior crew normally accounts for stewardesses and chefs. These professionals are responsible for food service, housekeeping and other general duties.

          • Wendy Owen

            Do the crew need to be tipped?
            Although not mandatory, it is customary to leave a tip (gratuity) for the work of the crew at the end of a charter. Most brokers tend to recommend a tip between 5% and 15% of the charter fee depending on how satisfied you are with the service. These amounts should be given to the captain who will then allocate it to the crew.

    • Wendy Owen

      So it seems everyone but the captain/engineer are chosen through bravo casting: http://belowdeckcasting.com/Be… Obviously, captain must have some sort of license and training, beyond being a made for tv goofball, though would Captain Stubing count as a qualified captain?

  • Norrth

    I have to admit that I think I really like these kids because they work so hard for their money. I nave never watched that show “Rich Kids” I don’t think I ever will. I saw clips of them bragging about the things their parents buy for them and I just felt sick. I can’t believe Magic Johnson’s kid is such a brat. MJ worked incredibly hard for his wealth – I can’t see him letting his kid blow through it to hang out with other brats. The BD kids, even those whose family have a little status, work hard.

    • Wendy Owen

      Oh yeah! Captain Bligh makes sure of that! 🙂

  • Great recap! Wow I was cringing during the Andrew-flirting-with-Georgia scene. What a cheeky little…

    • Wendy Owen

      I knoooow! Could it be any more creepy? Hopefully, it’s just the beginning for HMS Andrew!

  • Wendy Owen

    Well, mateys, while my husband swabs the galley, I’ve been floundering around the world wide web and found out just what is an Andrew! Here is his YouTube channel: http://youtu.be/Bx-uRqo5cHY?list=UUt06_u4fNthCokB6pHVDEUw It would seem he learned to flirt during some time spent in the Philippines. (Why do people go to the Philippines? Unless Imelda is having a garage sale, I’m not going to the Philippines.)

    Next, I find a facebook page he must have made for himself in tribute to himself. Here it is if you want to leave him a message: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Andrew-Philip-Fan-Club/119631321418960

    I’ve left the most horrifying link for last. Brace yourself – rough seas ahead! Jump into the ocean of Andrew’s music if you dare! https://soundcloud.com/user585926830

  • Wendy Owen

    OMG! WTF? Bravo CASTS Below Deck? Well, I say we all apply for next season, shall we? http://belowdeckcasting.com/Below_Deck_Casting/Below_Deck_Casting_Application.html

  • Georgia

    Wow Wendy. I have no idea how old you are OR what you look like but your soul is very ugly. I can’t wait until you are 52 and let’s see how fabulous you look.